“KARPETMUNCHEN” – IN EPIC MELTDOWN FOLLOWING RELEASE OF MICHAEL COHEN’S SECRETLY RECORDED TAPE, TRUMP FELL TO HIS KNEES AND CHEWED OVAL OFFICE RUG
Unhinged Tantrum Unnerves Staff
Washington (eTruePolitics) – Following the release of a taped conversation between current president Donald Trump and his former lawyer Michael Cohen regarding a payment to a former mistress, a raging Trump fell to his knees and vigorously chewed the Oval Office rug – ironically, Persian – eTruePolitics has learned.
“I saw it,” said one observer. “I wish I hadn’t.”
White House press secretary Sarah Huckleberry Sanders quickly defended the president in a formal statement.
“The president has no restrictions whatsoever on his dietary choices,” said Sanders.
Trump’s rug-chewing tantrums, which began in childhood, earned him the unenviable prep school nickname: ‘Karpetmunchen.’
“Everybody called him ‘Karpet’ for short,” said a former New York Military Academy classmate who requested anonymity because he feared for his life.
“Boy, he hated that name.”
illustration by Ray Dougela