Unhinged Tantrum Unnerves Staff

Washington (eTruePolitics) – Following the release of a taped conversation between current president Donald Trump and his former lawyer Michael Cohen regarding a payment to a former mistress, a raging Trump fell to his knees and vigorously chewed the Oval Office rug  – ironically, Persian –  eTruePolitics has learned.

“I saw it,” said one observer. “I wish I  hadn’t.”

White House press secretary Sarah Huckleberry Sanders quickly defended the president in a formal statement.

“The president has no restrictions whatsoever on his dietary choices,” said Sanders.

Trump’s rug-chewing tantrums, which began in childhood, earned him the unenviable prep school nickname: ‘Karpetmunchen.’

“Everybody called him ‘Karpet’ for short,” said a former New York Military Academy classmate who requested anonymity because he feared for his life.

“Boy, he hated that name.”


illustration by Ray Dougela