Unhinged Tantrum Unnerves Staff

Washington (eTruePolitics) – Upon learning this morning that previously sealed court documents detailed his furious attempts to cover up devastatingly bad economic news, a raging president Donald Trump fell to his knees and vigorously chewed the Oval Office rug, eTruePolitics has learned.

“I saw it,” said one source who observed the bizarre scene. “I wish I hadn’t.”

White House adviser Kellyanne Conway quickly – and obliquely – defended the president in a formal statement.

“The president has no restrictions whatsoever on his dietary choices,” said Conway.

Trump’s long-standing rug-chewing tantrums, which began in childhood, earned him the unenviable prep school nickname: ‘Karpetmunchen.’

“Everybody called him ‘Karpet’ for short,” said a former New York Military Academy classmate who requested anonymity because he feared for his life.

“Boy, he hated that name.”

 

illustration by Ray Dougela