Augusta, ME- (aTruePolitics) – With tensions rising between the US and Greenland, towns along the coast of Maine including Camden, Bar Harbor, Kennebunkport and Rockport have reportedly been directed by the Trump administration to prepare their communities to defend themselves from an impending “invasion” from Greenland, eTruePolitics has learned.
“Even though it’s cold all the time and has too many rocks,” explained president Donald Trump in a late night Truth Social text, “Maine is still US soil and I’m WARNING the DISGUSTING Greenlanders to stay away from America. You ever smell a Greenlander? They stink to high heaven.”
Unsurprisingly, following a spirited scrum, Secretary of Defemse Peter Hegseth was the first to the microphone to explain the adminstration’s position.
“We expect maximum lethality from our Maine brothers,” thundered Hegseth who said invasion from Greenland was “imminent,” and that he was sure the Maine militias, fueled by Petey’s Testosterone would make short work of “those godless commie Greenlanders.” Hegseth said he had no financial interest in Petey’s Testosterone, calling the name a “funny coincidence.”
The imminence of an attack from their ‘far northeast’ neighbors has apparently not reached everyone. “Attack from Greenland?” a skeptical Rockport sheriff Bernard Fife pointed out that Greenland was over 2000 miles away. “I’m worried that President Trump isn’t getting good intel,” Fife told eTruePolitics, “because something’s rotten in Denmark.”
