Washington (eTruePolitics) – “Beat that!,” said current president Donald Trump on Friday after signing 500 new Executive Orders, believed to be a one-day United States government record.

A sampling of the new EOs:

  • No more books in the White House.

  • All government walls now required to have a 4’ x 8’  official Trump portrait.

  • Overly complicated U.S. Constitution reduced to 3 words: “Trump is King.”

  • Jared Kushner named head of newly created Office of Hair.

  • White House staffers required to purchase a minimum of five copies of Ivanka’s new book, “Women Who Hate Women.” *

  • Lincoln Bedroom renamed “Strongman Suite” to create ‘comfort level’ for visiting despots.

  • Agents at Dept of Proliferating Squirrels authorized to carry assault rifles.

  • All White House TV sets must be tuned to Fox News, only.

Oh, wait a minute, that last one is, um, real. Our apologies.

 

* “Is the minimum all you really want to do?”

 

Reporting and photo illustration by Ray Dougela