Washington, D.C. (eTruePolitics) – With the stunning release today of faux diplomat Gordon Sondland’s updated testimony to the House admitting that there was indeed a Trump quid pro quo making US aid contingent on Ukraine publicly announcing an investigation into Joe Biden, a dispirited Donald Trump is said to be seriously considering resigning the presidency.

“We drafted a statement that said he was resigning ‘to spend more time with his family, including Melania,'” a West Wing source said. “I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.”

The rumor was met by unsurprised White House staffers with dark humor. “Who’s going to introduce him to Melania?” joked one staffer who requested anonymity before speaking to eTruePolitics because she feared for her life. Another suggested that given the likelihood of future incarceration, the family should stock up on SPF 100+ sunscreen.

“The president loves America a huge bunch,” said a grim White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham who vigorously denied rumors that the Trump marriage was troubled.

“Anyone … who sees them together … can feel the joy,” said Grisham. “The Presidency, the power?  Totally secondary.”


Photo illustrations by Ray Dougela