By Special Correspondent John Nelson and Frank Coffey

Washington (eTruePolitics) – The FBI, CIA, Treasury Department, and D.C. Police are involved in an unseemly scrum to determine who gets to manacle and bodily remove Donald Trump from the White House should he refuse to vacate on January 20th, sources have told eTruePolitics. The internal tension revolves around former FBI director James Comey’s insistence that he be allowed to do the extraction by himself.

“I respect Jim totally but we can’t take any chances,” said Lt. Colonel Alexander Vindman, a retired National Security Council officer, who has volunteered to accompany the buff 6’8″ Comey to the White House for the extraction.  “Trump’s a heavy lift,” added Vindman.

“We expect Trump’s Secret Service agents to offer a matador defense of the President,” said an unnamed FBI agent.  “Maybe they’ll even help.”

Observers said the extraction could be complicated by the presence of Senator Lindsey Graham and Reps. Jim Jordan and Matt Gaetz in the bowels of the White House – specifically in close proximity to the president’s anal cavity.

But someone familiar with Comey’s thinking said it’s asinine to think he would be worried about the ‘gelatinous troika.’

“Jim knows that as soon as the president is out of power, Graham, Jordan and Gaetz will be out of there faster than you can say hemorrhoid.”


Photo illustration courtesy of The Immoral Minority