By Special Correspondent John Nelson and Frank Coffey

Washington (eTruePolitics) – The FBI, CIA, Treasury Department, and D.C. Police are involved in an unseemly scrum to determine who gets to manacle and bodily remove the president from the White House should he refuse to vacate on January 20th after his inevitable humiliation at the polls, sources have told eTruePolitics. The internal tension revolves around former FBI director James Comey’s desire to do the extraction by himself.

The buff 6’8” Comey, a loner by nature, is said to be ‘highly motivated.’

“I want in,” said Lt. Colonel Alexander Vindman, a retired National Security Council officer.

“Whoever leads the team, we expect Trump’s Secret Service agents to offer a matador defense of the President,” said an unnamed FBI agent. “It won’t be much of a tussle. Their hearts aren’t in it.”

“Even Andrew Johnson, the second-worst president in the nation’s history, had the decency to slink out of the White House when he realized he wasn’t wanted,” commented presidential scholar Doris Kearns Goodwin.

One top aide to Comey expressed concern that the extraction could be complicated by the likely presence of Senator Lindsey Graham and Reps. Jim Jordan and Matt Gaetz in the bowels of the White House, specifically in the proximity of the president’s anal cavity.

But someone familiar with Comey’s thinking said it’s asinine to think he would be worried.

“Jim knows that as soon as the president is out of power, Graham, Jordan and Gaetz will be out of there faster than you can say hemorrhoid.”


Photo illustration courtesy of The Immoral Minority