Washington, D.C. (eTruePolitics) – Again, nothing to see here.

Even as the  FBI mounts an “intensive” nationwide investigation of a threatening note delivered to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi over the weekend, the White House denied current president Trump’s involvement in the creation of the note.

“There were no spelling errors in the note,” snarled Trump surrogate Kellyanne Conway, “but do you see the mainstream media reporting that?”

Furthermore, a combative Conway contended that the president’s blunt-tip student scissors, which he uses daily during his extensive executive time, were confiscated last week by first lady Melania Trump. “So, it’s impossible that President Trump had anything to do with the note creation,” Conway said. “You should all be ashamed of yourselves. I know I am.”

Conway deflected a flurry of questions about why the first lady had felt it necessary to remove children’s scissors from her husband. “Melania’s loves her husband very much,” said Conway. “Next question?”

Since the note was signed ‘Son of Fred,’ an FBI spokesman said the agency had a “high degree of confidence” that an arrest would happen shortly.

“We urge ‘Son of Fred’ to peacefully turn himself into the FBI,” said the spokesman, who called on the public to immediately report anyone acting suspiciously (e.g. running with scissors) with a father whose name is ‘Fred’ or ‘Frederick.’



Photo illustration by Ray Dougela