(Washington; eTruePolitics) – Smirking, America’s new crime wave? Following an alarmed call from Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao reporting that her elderly husband Mitch was being made fun of by a disheveled person at the U.S. Capitol, the FBI has placed comedian Jon Stewart atop its Most Wanted List, eTruePolitics has learned.

“Smirking is no joke,” Chao told reporters.

Stewart emphatically denied that after the alleged smirking incident, he had bounced a Kaiser roll off the Majority Leader’s head causing the Senator to weep uncontrollably.

“I’ve never had a Kaiser roll in my life,” said Stewart, “are they hard?”


Photo illustration by Ray Dougela