Moscow (eTruePolitics) – McDonald’s in Russia? Be afraid. There’s a new fast food product in town.

Already one of the world’s richest men, Russian Federation president Vladimir Putin announced today a joint venture with the Republican National Committee to produce Putin’s Hot Pockets, a line of the popular microwaveable convenience-store staple – “inspired” by well known GOP politicians.

Putin Hot Pockets will debut with three sandwiches, Lindsey’s Lamb Pockets, Mnunchin’s Mystery Meat Pockets, and Pompeo’s Porky Pockets, honoring Americans Senator Lindsey Graham, and cabinet secretaries Steve Mnunchin and Mike Pompeo.

“Lindsey’s Lamb Pockets are to die for,” said Putin in a written statement about what many expect will be the line’s hottest seller.  “The meat is so soft you barely have to chew!”

Following a lavish Kremlin food tasting event, Russian food critics, a lonely group heretofore barely a part of the country’s pop culture scene, were largely unimpressed by Putin’s Hot Pockets.

“The substance in Mnunchin’s Mystery Meat Pocket is oleaginous and hard to look at,” said one reviewer, adding that Pompeo’s Porky  Pockets were “overflowing with unidentifiable and unnamed pig parts. “

Only Lindsey Lamb Pockets escaped the critics wrath. “They go down easy,” said one critic.

Sources close to Putin denied reports that the company was considering another hot pocket, Christie Chicharrons, after former Jersey governor Chris Christie.  “Mr. Putin is a bit of health nut,” explained the source, “and Chris Christie grosses him out.”




Photo illustration by Ray Dougela