Los Angeles (eTruePolitics) – The summer vacation season is nearly upon us and for anyone living in Los Angeles this means two things: vehicular and human gridlock.
In an attempt to help our fellow sufferers, we offer The Laws of Motion in L.A. These natural laws will probably not help you get anywhere faster or cause the lines you are waiting in to move any faster. But they will help you understand why you can’t get anywhere and why your line isn’t moving, which is the next best thing.
The Law of Tardy Departures. No matter how early you depart for your business meeting, lunch date or commute you will be late. A corollary here, The Law of Maximum Disappointment, states that your chronic tardiness will cause lost financial opportunities, damaged friendships and employment challenges.
The Law of Declining Parking Spaces. The moment you enter a parking facility, large or small, the percentage of empty spots will plummet by 50% and continue to diminish at a minimum rate of 20 % per minute – meaning if upon entering the formal parking area you aren’t ensconced within, say, 90 seconds, you might as well go home.
The Traffic Law. Persons incapable of correctly operating a motor vehicle will do so to your immediate front. A closely related corollary here, The Law of Futile Anger, states that horn-blowing, cursing, physical gesticulations and steering wheel-pounding will do nothing to improve the situation, and may even cause events to further deteriorate.
The Law of Grocery Lines. Your Trader Joe’s/In-N-Out Burger/Whole Foods cashier’s line will always move more slowly than any of the surrounding lines – which you aren’t on. Should you decide to change lines, your new line will, of course, come to an abrupt halt.
The Law of Inverse Haste. In the unlikely event that you find yourself walking (aka: locomotion using feet occurring on flat surfaces after exiting an automobile or in malls), anyone in front of you will want to walk slower. Anyone ahead of him or her will go slower still. Conversely, anyone behind you will want to go faster, and the people behind them … well, you get the idea.
The Law of Perverse Probability. This is a variation of the famed Law of Maximum Inconvenience which governs all of human behavior – except that in Beverly Hills. The farther you have to travel to look for somebody or something, the less likely it is that he, she or it will be there. Conversely, it’s a sure bet, he, she or it will be there, if you decide to look someplace else first.
The Freeway Law. The most venerable, and reliable, of all the Laws of L.A. Motion. Upon entering a freeway, the freeway will stop. This tendency is absolute and does not vary with time, specific day or particular freeway. A corollary here, The Law of Futility, posits that should you successfully manage to exit a freeway you will promptly encounter impenetrable surface streets.
On a personal note, the author wishes to apologize for the tardy publication of this article (originally scheduled for summer, 2017); unfortunately The Law of Collision Encouragement intervened while manuscript delivery was under way.
Have a great summer!
p.s. Apologies to Sir Isaac Newton
Photo illustration by Ray Dougela