Moscow (eTruePolitics) – In a strongly worded statement, Russian president Vladimir Putin demanded today the Olympic Games’ iconic ring symbol be immediately replaced. Surprising many, Putin claimed the revered symbol looks like five interlocking bagels, a round baked bread product associated with Jewish delis and bakeries.
“Vladi thinks the bagel rings are a big American/Israeli inside joke, a deliberate FU to Russia,” said a longtime Putin confidante who requested anonymity before speaking to eTruePolitics because he feared for his life.
Putin pointed out that more bagels are consumed in New York and Tel Aviv than anywhere in the world and publicly blamed the United States and Israel for pressuring the Olympic ring designers to subtly change the rings to more closely resemble bagels.
A Russian government spokesman denied Putin had any “problems” with Jewish baked goods.
“The President simply doesn’t enjoy bagels and doesn’t think they should be used to represent the International Olympic movement at the 2016 Olympic games in Rio.
“Personally, Mr. Putin prefers bialies,” the spokesman added. “Less doughy.”
Frank Coffey is the author of the humor books "The Complete Idoit's Guide for Dumies" (Ten Speed Press), "The All Time Baseball Teams Book" (St. Martin's Press), "The Wit and Wisdom of George Steinbrenner (New American Library)," and "The Anti-Everybody Joke Book" (PaperJacks). As an editor, packager and author he has over 200 books on his resume, including four novels; has written for television and film, and been a book, newspaper and magazine editor. His name, Frank Downs Coffey, isn't technically a sentence but close enough.
Donald Trump has reportedly refused to file a Missing Person’s Search Report for his current wife Melania Knauss Trump with the Florida Department of Law Enforcement. “He just doesn’t want to do anything,” shrugged an aide.
An investigation by the American Internet Research Firm failed to find any nude photos of Marjorie Taylor Greene. “There is a god,” an AIRF researcher told eTruePolitics.
Clarence Thomas will reportedly resign his Supreme Court seat to join My Pillow as Vice-President of Napping. “I’m a fathead and need a firm pillow,” explained Thomas in his lengthiest written statement since joining the Court in 1991.
Governor Greg Abbott has signed into law a bill which criminalizes decent behavior of any kind, under any circumstances, within Texas. “Republicans will end decency in the Lone Star State,” vowed Abbott.
Archives
Subscribe to the eTruePolitics Newsletter
Join our mailing list and invite the world's most trusted name in politics straight into your inbox!
