Boston (eTrueSports) – A just released Harvard Medical School study, using the Standard Beignet IQ test, has found that prolonged exposure to the information ticker (or crawl) on MLB TV’s baseball broadcasts “dramatically reduces” cognitive function across all age and gender groups.
“The troubling news,” said Dr. Arnold Rump, the study’s lead researcher, “is that the U.S.’s already alarming intelligence gap between men and women could grow into a chasm if the sports ticker crisis isn’t addressed.”
Rump called for a “total nationwide ticker ban across all screens” to protect the country’s vulnerable male population from a potentially “catastrophic IQ loss in the next decade.”
STORY UPDATE: Twins win, cancel contract with Cuban pitcher Fidel Castro. “He wouldn’t do windsprints,” said a source close to the now 1-9 Twins.
Minneapolis (eTrueSports) – Capitalizing on the Obama administration’s softening Cuban policy, the winless (0-9) Minnesota Twins announced the signing of veteran right-handed pitcher Fidel Castro.
“He’s wily and we’re desperate,” said Twins manager Paul Molitor who explained the team planned on bringing the 89-year-old Castro up from the Fort Myers Miracle in the Florida State League when the temperature in St. Paul warmed in late July.
New York (eTrueSports) -In a surprising turn at a press conference on the eve of his 14th season as a broadcaster, Paul O’Neill calls for hummus ban at Yankee Stadium. “Terrorists eat it,” explained the YES Network announcer and Trump supporter.
New York (eTrueSports) – TNT’s analyst Chris Webber will receive the coveted 2016 Most Muted Award from the US Basketball Fans Association. “It was pointless to wait until the end of the season,” said a USBFA spokesman.
New York (eTrueSports) – In an about-to-be-released press statement, Donald J. Trump will announce a ban on Phil Mickelson at all Trump-owned courses, including those “in Scotland and other foreign countries,” sources told eTrueSports.
“Folks, there’s a reason why everybody calls him ‘Lefty’,” Trump reportedly said. “Believe me, Commies don’t make the cut in Trump world.”
New York (eTrueSports) – Donald Trump joined Andrew Cuomo today in calling for MMA cage fighting to replace baseball as the country’s National Pastime.
“Violence and vulgarity are the best economic generators ever,” said Trump who called baseball “insufficiently savage” and praised the NY Governor for his “morality- free” leadership in pushing for state legalization of America’s favorite blood sport.