“Soulless” New Yankee Stadium to be Razed, ‘Old’ Stadium Rebuilt
New York (eTrueSports) – In a surprising announcement, the Steinbrenner family, owners of the New York Yankees, responding to mounting public criticism, announced they would immediately begin rebuilding an exact duplicate of the ‘old Yankee’ stadium on its original grounds. When the new old stadium is completed the current “garish monstrosity” will be torn down, replaced with a state-of-the art athletics facility.
“They screwed up tearing down a national treasure and they know it,” said a source close to Hal Steinbrenner, the team’s principal owner. “The new Yankee Stadium is a soulless disaster and anyone who’s been there knows it.
“Takes a lot of guts on Hal’s part to admit the current joint is colossally ugly, a perfect example of grandiosity gone wild, a symbol of all that is wrong with professional sports.”
Buffalo (eTrueSports) – Sources close to Donald Trump say the mogul is furious at Bills’ football coach Rex Ryan for comments he made in introducing a visibly plump Trump at a Buffalo rally Monday night.
Ryan jokingly said that Trump’s weight gain was an attempt by the mogul to “eat his way” onto the cast of ‘Lap Band of Brothers,’ a film in development at Miramax which currently co-stars Ryan and Chris Christie.
“Rex oughta stick to playing footsie with his wife, not the facts,” Trump tweeted moments later.
New York (eTrueSports) – After enduring weeks of unwanted television coverage showing scores of empty luxury box seats at Yankee games – caused, the team claims, by wealthy fans abandoning their seats to watch big-screen TV’s in high-end restaurants – the Yankees announced ‘The Yankee Seat-Fillers Club’ to tackle the increasingly embarrassing ‘naked seat’ situation.
Similar to a long standing Oscars ceremony program, the Yankees will let fans apply as seat-fillers allowing them a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to temporarily sit in the actual seats of rich people.
“We’re giving YSFC preference to indigents,” said Yankees COO Leon Trost, “as long as they don’t smell.”
Yankee seat-fillers will each receive a free soda voucher and a facsimile ticket stub for the luxury seat they were fortunate enough to occupy, albeit briefly.
Boston (eTrueSports) – A just released Harvard Medical School study, using the Standard Beignet IQ test, has found that prolonged exposure to the information ticker (or crawl) on MLB TV’s baseball broadcasts “dramatically reduces” cognitive function across all age and gender groups.
“The troubling news,” said Dr. Arnold Rump, the study’s lead researcher, “is that the U.S.’s already alarming intelligence gap between men and women could grow into a chasm if the sports ticker crisis isn’t addressed.”
Rump called for a “total nationwide ticker ban across all screens” to protect the country’s vulnerable male population from a potentially “catastrophic IQ loss in the next decade.”
STORY UPDATE: Twins win, cancel contract with Cuban pitcher Fidel Castro. “He wouldn’t do windsprints,” said a source close to the now 1-9 Twins.
Minneapolis (eTrueSports) – Capitalizing on the Obama administration’s softening Cuban policy, the winless (0-9) Minnesota Twins announced the signing of veteran right-handed pitcher Fidel Castro.
“He’s wily and we’re desperate,” said Twins manager Paul Molitor who explained the team planned on bringing the 89-year-old Castro up from the Fort Myers Miracle in the Florida State League when the temperature in St. Paul warmed in late July.
New York (eTrueSports) -In a surprising turn at a press conference on the eve of his 14th season as a broadcaster, Paul O’Neill calls for hummus ban at Yankee Stadium. “Terrorists eat it,” explained the YES Network announcer and Trump supporter.