New York (eTrueSports) – On the eve of the 2016 Players Championship Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is calling for the investigation of Spanish golfer Miguel Angel Jimenez.
“He looks and sounds Mexican,” explained mogul.
Indianapolis (eTrueSports) – Apparently tired of being mocked by Trump supporter Bobby Knight for his now infamous verbal flub calling a basketball rim a “ring,” Ted Cruz is calling for the carpet-bombing of the former basketball coach’s highly fortified Indiana compound, eTrueSports has learned.
“I want see his lawn glow in the dark,” Cruz reportedly told military advisors.
Indianapolis (eTruePolitics) – A reportedly distraught Ted Cruz, blaming himself for his now infamous Indiana basketball “ring” flub, is said to be holed up in a hotel room binge watching Johnny Cash sing “Ring of Fire” on his iPad, worried aides told eTrueSports.
“It’s beyond sad. Teddy’s convinced he blew the election and he’s probably right,” said a source sympathetic to Cruz. Up to a point.
“He won’t stop singing,” the source groaned. “‘It burns, burns, burns, The ring of fire, The ring of fire’ over and over and over? Makes you want to hurl.”
New York (eTrueSports) – After Donald Trump announced his intention to name former basketball coach Bobby Knight his future Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, aides are said to be concerned the presidential contender actually believes Knight is a U.S. Army General, a source told eTrueSports.
“Who the hell is gonna tell Mr. Trump that news?” asked an aide who requested anonymity because he feared for his life.
Indianapolis (eTrueSports) – In the wake of his embarrassing goof in which he referred to a basketball hoop as a “ring” in basketball-crazy Indiana, Sen. Ted Cruz is quickly seeking to show Indiana voters he knows his basketball, telling voters that “I’ve been a big hoopster ever since the game was invented by Abner Doubleday.
“When Larry Bird and The Big ‘O’ led the Hoosiers to the 1954 World Series championship I’m not ashamed to say I wept,” Cruz added.
Washington (eTrueSports) – “Meet The Ringers” – the new Ted Cruz ad running statewide in Indiana – called “Worst Political Ad Ever” by U.S. Advertising Council.
Boston (eTrueSports) – After learning of a federal appeals court reinstatement of Tom Brady’s original four-game suspension for his involvement in the ‘Deflategate’ scandal, supermodel Gisele Bundchen has dumped the Patriot star as her husband.
“I’ve been expecting this day for a long time,” said Bundchen in a statement to the press. “The moment Tommy destroyed his cell phone I knew he was just too dumb to love.”
Raleigh, NC (eTrueSports) – North Carolina governor Pat McCrory today named recently fired ESPN analyst Curt Schilling the state’s new Director of Media Relations.
“As long as you’re not a tranny, a homo or Bruce Springsteen and you’re not trying to sleep with my wife, we’ll get along fine,” Schilling told a group of reporters.
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