Pocatello, Idaho – A Pocatello man has self-identified as a Donald Trump supporter, eTruePolitics has learned. “I don’t have anything to apologize for,” said John L. Canard, 62, the assistant manager of Pocatello’s largest for-profit Bible study group.
“Lying is not a sin,” added Canard, who met the current Republican presidential candidate when they were members of Hair Weavers Anonymous, a nationwide mutual aide fellowship.
Canard blasted the government’s investigation of Trump’s business dealings, pointing out that the word ‘Trump’ does not appear anywhere in the U.S. Constitution.
Trump spokesman John Miller said Canard was identified after an exhaustive nation-wide search that was conducted by a Trump employee “on their own personal time at no cost to the American people or the candidate.”
P Eugene Krapp; John Poser; Virgil Jester
C James “Chris” Christie
1B James Outlaw
2B Bert Conn
3B Tom Lawless
SS Al Dark
LF J.B. Shuck
CF Darren Bragg
RF Enos Slaughter
MGR Pete Rose
OWN George Steinbrenner
CFO Bernie Madoff
New York (eTruePolitics) – eTruePolitics offers a fantasy team honoring Donald J. Trump, current Republican presidential candidate. Team captain is Eugene Krapp.
Cleveland (eTruePolitics) – Six weeks before the Republican national convention and already there’s trouble.
Sources close to the Cleveland Cavaliers say Donald Trump got into a shouting match with LeBron James on Tuesday as the team was practicing at the Quicken Loans arena for Wednesday’s game three of the NBA Finals. A spokesman said Trump wanted the arena cleared so he could practice his convention acceptance speech. The Cavs, down two games to none against the Golden State Warriors, weren’t going anywhere.
Uncorroborated accounts had LeBron shouting, “Get off the court, fatso.”
Shortly thereafter, Trump was escorted from the arena by Cavs’ security guards and wasn’t happy about it.
“Never saw a man with a redder face,” said one observer who requested anonymity because he feared for life.
It wasn’t long before Trump exuberantly took to Twitter:
“Loooooser LeBron. That’s what I call him. Loooooser LeBron. Going down just like last year. Choker!”
In a very brief interview, a Trump spokesman defended the current Republican presidential nominee to eTruePolitics: “Personal insults are very hurtful, even to Mr. Trump. No one likes to be called ‘fatso.”
New Orleans (eTruePolitics) – The artistic director of Jazz at Lincoln Center and the world’s best known trumpeter, Wynton Marsalis, wants to be referred to as a ‘horn’ player from now on. And he’s as serious as a Miles Davis solo.
“I have really sensitive ears and just hearing the sound of the word ‘trump’ makes me cringe,” Marsalis said in a press statement.
“He-who-must-not-be-named needs to put a mute on it,” said Marsalis, in an apparent reference to current Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.
The now nearly inevitable Trumpian response tweeted out minutes after the jazz legend’s announcement.
“Shut up Wynton. All New Orleans musicians love me. When I dance the cha-cha-cha they cheer!”
“We all put our Brazilian fighting bottoms on the same way.”
New York (eTruePolitics) – Sources close to Donald Trump say the mogul will fight Ronda Rousey, the former UFC women’s bantamweight champion in a pay-per-view, fund-raising exhibition bout from Las Vegas. Trump, who will fight under the name “The Orangutan,” denied the move was a response to lagging campaign fundraising.
“I’d fight hot chicks for no money,” claimed Trump who confirmed that UFC President Dana White had granted him a waiver to employ a sock full of pennies in his bout against Rousey.
“Ronda may be small but she’s tough and I’m about to turn 70,” Trump said responding to criticism that the rolled pennies constituted an unfair advantage.
Still, the real estate speculator declared himself unafraid of fighting the UFC’s first-ever woman champion.
“We all put our Brazilian fighting bottoms on the same way, one leg at a time,” said the current Republican presidential candidate.
“He looks like a veal sausage,” said an unimpressed Rousey, “and I’m just the girl to grill him.”