New Orleans (eTruePolitics) – The artistic director of Jazz at Lincoln Center and the world’s best known trumpeter, Wynton Marsalis, wants to be referred to as a ‘horn’ player from now on. And he’s as serious as a Miles Davis solo.
“I have really sensitive ears and just hearing the sound of the word ‘trump’ makes me cringe,” Marsalis said in a press statement.
“He-who-must-not-be-named needs to put a mute on it,” said Marsalis, in an apparent reference to current Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.
The now nearly inevitable Trumpian response tweeted out minutes after the jazz legend’s announcement.
“Shut up Wynton. All New Orleans musicians love me. When I dance the cha-cha-cha they cheer!”
“We all put our Brazilian fighting bottoms on the same way.”
New York (eTruePolitics) – Sources close to Donald Trump say the mogul will fight Ronda Rousey, the former UFC women’s bantamweight champion in a pay-per-view, fund-raising exhibition bout from Las Vegas. Trump, who will fight under the name “The Orangutan,” denied the move was a response to lagging campaign fundraising.
“I’d fight hot chicks for no money,” claimed Trump who confirmed that UFC President Dana White had granted him a waiver to employ a sock full of pennies in his bout against Rousey.
“Ronda may be small but she’s tough and I’m about to turn 70,” Trump said responding to criticism that the rolled pennies constituted an unfair advantage.
Still, the real estate speculator declared himself unafraid of fighting the UFC’s first-ever woman champion.
“We all put our Brazilian fighting bottoms on the same way, one leg at a time,” said the current Republican presidential candidate.
“He looks like a veal sausage,” said an unimpressed Rousey, “and I’m just the girl to grill him.”
New York (eTruePolitics) – Defacto Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is set to replace the American Eagle with the Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake, the most venomous snake in the United States, as our national emblem, eTruePolitics has learned.
“Animal after my own heart,” mogul explains in tweet.
Indianapolis (eTrueSports) – Apparently tired of being mocked by Trump supporter Bobby Knight for his now infamous verbal flub calling a basketball rim a “ring,” Ted Cruz is calling for the carpet-bombing of the former basketball coach’s highly fortified Indiana compound, eTrueSports has learned.
“I want see his lawn glow in the dark,” Cruz reportedly told military advisors.
Indianapolis (eTruePolitics) – A reportedly distraught Ted Cruz, blaming himself for his now infamous Indiana basketball “ring” flub, is said to be holed up in a hotel room binge watching Johnny Cash sing “Ring of Fire” on his iPad, worried aides told eTrueSports.
“It’s beyond sad. Teddy’s convinced he blew the election and he’s probably right,” said a source sympathetic to Cruz. Up to a point.
“He won’t stop singing,” the source groaned. “‘It burns, burns, burns, The ring of fire, The ring of fire’ over and over and over? Makes you want to hurl.”