New York (eTruePolitics) – Minutes after press reports surfaced that a Donald Trump company violated the United States embargo of communist Cuba during Fidel Castro’s presidency, the ‘Trump Libre’ cocktail disappeared from the Trump Tower Grill menu, eTruePolitics has learned.
“There was never a ‘Trump Libre’ or any other ‘Libre’ served at the Trump Tower Grill,” current Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway told reporters.
“Yes, Trump business consultants spent over $68,000 for its 1998 foray into Cuba when it was illegal, but they weren’t caught so it didn’t happen,” explained the beleaguered Conway.
“And even if it did happen,” Conway said, “the commie Cuban government would have wasted the money.”
New York (eTruePolitics) – The Commission on Presidential Debates announced today that the audio malfunction which has enraged Donald Trump and supporters was caused by the candidate’s repeated inability to keep his foot out of his mouth, not a defective microphone as Trump had charged.
“After a thorough forensic analysis we have determined that Mr. Trump’s microphone was in perfect working order,” said a put-upon Commission spokesman who refused to answer questions about Trump’s accusation or his foot-in-mouth issue.
“The mic was fine. End of story,” snapped the spokesman before abruptly leaving a packed media room.
New York (eTruePolitics) – If you’re Hillary Clinton and you’re waiting for Donald Trump to give you a break, don’t.
Bouncing back from a bout of pneumonia, the 68-year-old Clinton ran a sub-four-minute mile before breakfast, worked out for three hours in her new Hillary Ninja Gym, then taped ABC’s “Dancing With The Stars,” where she finished at the top of the leader board – only to be accused of illegal performance enhancing drug use by the Trump campaign.
“We believe Hillary Clinton is steroid soaked,” said current Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway.
When informed of Conway’s comment, Clinton laughed, dead-lifted a Trump lookalike above her head, cranked out ten reps, and announced she was joining the Season 9 cast of NBC’s just-renewed “American Ninja Warrior.”
“She’s sick,” commented Trump’s longtime aide Rudolph Giuliani who pointed out that following the DWTS taping, Clinton abruptly canceled plans to compete in New York City’s Iron Man Competition.
Conway has called on Attorney General Loretta Lynch to investigate charges that Clinton, in an attempt to curry favor with Trump pal Vladi Putin, provided steroids to Russian Olympians which resulted in wide spread disqualifications at the Rio Games.
“Russia and its remarkably fit athletes were robbed because of Hillary Rotten Clinton,” explained Conway.
New York (eTruePolitics) – New health details from Donald Trump (70) revealed that since July 4th the current Republican presidential candidate’s weight has dropped over 30 pounds to 236. Trump’s weight topped off at 267 pounds , an alarming but understandable number since he was in training for the annual Nathan’s Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest. Trump was disqualified from the iconic event for insisting that he be allowed to use a knife and fork. “Tube steak consumption rules even apply to Mr. Trump,” said a Nathan’s spokesman at the time. Former champion Joey Chestnut won this year’s competition, consuming 70 hot dogs and rolls.
“Nathan’s dogs are the worst,” Trump tweeted later.
The current Republican presidential candidate had insisted that he would win the competition, famously asserting that he was a “total pig.”
Plump Trump? Not To Worry: In Training for Nathan’s July 4th Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest
“I’m a total pig and I will win”
New York (eTruePolitics) – Trump supporters, relax. The Donald’s recent dramatic weight gain is simply part of the 70-year-old mogul’s latest pr stunt: winning the annual Nathan’s Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest on July 4th.
Trump is in training, consuming over 10,000 calories a day on a diet of Big Macs and Goldenberg Peanut Chews. The current Republican presidential candidate’s proudly claims his only exercise is masticating.
“I’m fat and getting fatter and I will win,” Trump said.
When a pesky reporter pointed out that the two previous Nathan champs, Joey Chesnut and Matt Stonie, are slimly built, Trump responded with a profanity.
Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, the World Series of tube steak consumption, is held every year on July 4th on Brooklyn’s Coney Island; Stonie is the defending champ, downing 62 hot dogs in ten minutes to win 2015 honors.
“I can beat that easy,” said Trump. “I’m a total pig.”
New York (eTruePolitics) – A crowd outside Fox News’ Manhattan offices protesting the forced resignation of Greta Van Susteren was dispersed without incident by the NYPD Tuesday afternoon, eTruePolitics has learned.
“Neither of them had their hearts in it,” a patrolman told reporters.
New York (eTruePolitics) – Television Reviews-in-Brief. (Though not yet on CNN’s schedule, eTruePolitics obtained a pilot presentation of “Ratahooey” from a CNN source who requested anonymity because “Corey really scares me.” )
Our review: CNN’s new reality show set the high-pressure world of a ratings-challenged cable TV cooking show, is indigestible. Boiling hosts Corey Lewandowski and Jeff Zucker? Wrong, but tempting.