Cleveland (eTruePolitics) – Demonstrating once again his shrewd business instincts, best-selling author and current Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump today announced the publication of “My Little Pony: Plagiarism Magic,” an ‘instant book’ aimed at girls 4-12.
“I stayed up all night alone writing,” said Mr. Trump, “and I have to tell you, I’ve very proud of myself. To tell you the truth, ‘Plagiarism Magic’ may be my greatest book ever.”
Cleveland (eTruePolitics) – Donald Trump plans to name Dana White, head of the the mixed martial arts organization Ultimate Fighting Championship, U.S. Secretary of Education should he be elected U.S. President, eTruePolitics has learned.
Few details of White’s plans for the Education Department have been revealed, though the UFC honcho is on record as saying he favors mandatory mixed martial arts bouts in American classrooms beginning in the first grade.
“We think kids will love watching other kids kick one another in the face … plus they’ll learn about tattoos,” White previously told Fox News’ Greta Van Susteran.
Republican insiders worried the plan for the introduction of MMA’s “barbaric savagery” into American classrooms “might be unhelpful for down ballot candidates in November.”
Sources say White”vigorously” lobbied for the MMA bouts to begin in kindergarten but was dissuaded by Trump campaign adviser Corey Lewandowski who feared criticism from “weenies in the liberal American press.”
Indianapolis (eTruePolitics) – Indiana Trumps? Sources close to Gov. Mike Pence say the Republican vice-presidential candidate will call for Indiana University President Michael McRobbie to change the school’s athletic teams’ name from ‘Hoosiers’ to ‘Trumps.’
“Rebranding is inevitable,” said Trump supporter and former Hoosier basketball coach Bobby Knight in supporting the change. “Relax and enjoy it.”
Washington (eTruePolitics) – The “Republican Low Bar Gymnastics Competition” will be held all day, every day, during the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, eTruePolitics has learned. The much anticipated July 18-21 competition, open to all delegates and expected to feature elaborate twisting and flipping, consists of the following events, named in honor of Republican party leaders:
New York (eTruePolitics) – Once again doubling down on a controversial statement – this time his call for 24/7 surveillance of American Muslims – current Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump urged police officials and anti-immigration activists nationwide to “Follow the falafel.”
“Muslim’s can’t resist the stuff,” Mr. Trump explained in a tweet.
New York (eTruePolitics) – With their National Convention in a deep financial hole, Republicans finally received some good news today when WME-IMG, the Hollywood talent agency and new owner of the mixed martial arts organization Ultimate Fighting Championship, announced the UFC would be a major sponsor of their upcoming convention.
A Democratic spokesperson quickly denounced the UFC as “a despicable and brutal disgrace that has no place in the 21st century.”
“We are thrilled to have the UFC as a partner,” said the Trump campaign in a statement which also called for MMA fighting to be named America’s new National Pastime.
“We believe delegates – especially angry, drunk delegates – will enjoy seeing people pounding other people into senseless pulps,” said a Trump spokeswoman. “It will be a good break from the boring speeches.”
UFC president Dana White, a long-time Trump supporter, said the nightly Convention format would feature a series of “MMA mini-fights” interspersed with speeches. White said that all floor delegates would receive, at no charge, Trump For America bibs to protect against flying blood, teeth and tissue.
A source close to Trump’s campaign director, Paul Manafort, said the long-time ‘go-to’ lobbyist for foreign dictators was a “bit taken aback” by criticism from The Society For Decency which called Republicans “morally bankrupt for profiting from the pornography of violence.”
“Why would we be ashamed of cashing in by appealing to the worst violent instincts of our fellow human beings?” the perplexed Manafort asked.
Pocatello, Idaho – A Pocatello man has self-identified as a Donald Trump supporter, eTruePolitics has learned. “I don’t have anything to apologize for,” said John L. Canard, 62, the assistant manager of Pocatello’s largest for-profit Bible study group.
“Lying is not a sin,” added Canard, who met the current Republican presidential candidate when they were members of Hair Weavers Anonymous, a nationwide mutual aide fellowship.
Canard blasted the government’s investigation of Trump’s business dealings, pointing out that the word ‘Trump’ does not appear anywhere in the U.S. Constitution.
Trump spokesman John Miller said Canard was identified after an exhaustive nation-wide search that was conducted by a Trump employee “on their own personal time at no cost to the American people or the candidate.”
P Eugene Krapp; John Poser; Virgil Jester
C James “Chris” Christie
1B James Outlaw
2B Bert Conn
3B Tom Lawless
SS Al Dark
LF J.B. Shuck
CF Darren Bragg
RF Enos Slaughter
MGR Pete Rose
OWN George Steinbrenner
CFO Bernie Madoff
New York (eTruePolitics) – eTruePolitics offers a fantasy team honoring Donald J. Trump, current Republican presidential candidate. Team captain is Eugene Krapp.
Cleveland (eTruePolitics) – Six weeks before the Republican national convention and already there’s trouble.
Sources close to the Cleveland Cavaliers say Donald Trump got into a shouting match with LeBron James on Tuesday as the team was practicing at the Quicken Loans arena for Wednesday’s game three of the NBA Finals. A spokesman said Trump wanted the arena cleared so he could practice his convention acceptance speech. The Cavs, down two games to none against the Golden State Warriors, weren’t going anywhere.
Uncorroborated accounts had LeBron shouting, “Get off the court, fatso.”
Shortly thereafter, Trump was escorted from the arena by Cavs’ security guards and wasn’t happy about it.
“Never saw a man with a redder face,” said one observer who requested anonymity because he feared for life.
It wasn’t long before Trump exuberantly took to Twitter:
“Loooooser LeBron. That’s what I call him. Loooooser LeBron. Going down just like last year. Choker!”
In a very brief interview, a Trump spokesman defended the current Republican presidential nominee to eTruePolitics: “Personal insults are very hurtful, even to Mr. Trump. No one likes to be called ‘fatso.”