eTruePolitics – Page 30 – A parody website

01 Feb

Trump Nominates Putin as Secretary of the Exterior

New York, Moscow (eTruePolitics) – In an unexpected move, current President Donald Trump made a “final” addition to his growing Cabinet by nominating Russian President Vladimir Putin as Secretary of the Exterior.

The announcement surprised many longtime Washington insiders who questioned the legality of the appointment since no Secretary of the Exterior cabinet position currently exists. Some pundits also questioned whether there was legal authority to appoint a foreign national to serve in a U.S. government cabinet.

Mr. Trump responded to the criticism in a flurry of concurrent middle-of-the-night tweets:

“There’s a Cabinet Secretary of the Interior, why not one for the Exterior? Well, there WILL BE ONE in my administration, my friend Vladimir!”

“Vladi is a great leader with AMAZING PECS. BEST exterior ever!”

The odd announcement mirrors Trump’s very first previous cabinet appointment of Kim Kardashian for Secretary of the Posterior, which was quickly withdrawn.

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

30 Jan

Trump To Nominate John Barron as Supreme Court Justice

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

john-barron-signature-2

New York (eTruePolitics) – Current United States President Donald Trump is set to name longtime confidante John Barron as Supreme Court nominee, eTruePolitics has learned.

“I trust John Barron more than anyone in the world,” Mr. Trump reportedly told top advisor Roger Stone.

Barron, also known as John Miller, has no legal experience but is a longtime Trump ‘whisperer’ and reliable doppelganger. Barron/Miller could not be reached for commented.

CNN is reporting that first daughter Ivanka Trump has sent a top secret memo to her brothers saying she is “worried about Daddy.”

Later, in order to avoid reporters, a sobbing, distraught Ivanka was abruptly hustled by bodyguards into “Falafel King,” a popular Trump Tower restaurant to avoid reporters.

“I didn’t know Ivanka even had tear ducts,” said a Trump staffer who requested anonymity because he feared for his life.

White House press secretary Sean Spicer denied the incident at the Middle Eastern restaurant. “Ivanka hates falafel,” Spicer explained.

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

24 Jan

First Look At Kellyanne Conway’s New Movie Poster

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

Washington, D.T. (eTruePolitics) – Now showing at the White House executive theater.

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

22 Jan

Capitol Building To Become ‘Trump International Hotel Bigly Dome Annex’

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

(official brochure)

Washington, D.T., (eTruePolitics) – Turning national landmarks into hotels has become a ‘thing’ for the Trump Organization. A profitable thing.

Most recently, Washington’s Old Post Office became Trump International Hotel. Now it’s the iconic Capitol Building’s turn, which will become ‘Trump International Hotel Bigly Dome Annex.’

“We’ll have great viewing areas above the House and Senate chambers so hotel guests can watch Congress go at it,” said President Donald Trump in announcing the new hotel deal. “Of course, we’ll need more punching, cursing, eye-gouging and chair throwing to make it great entertainment and we’ve got MMA fighters coming in to help out. We’ll get there.”

The President pointed out that the new ‘Bigly Dome Annex’ would be a financial win for all parties.

“Everybody keeps saying, ‘The Mall, The Mall,’ but I don’t see any mall out there,” added Mr. Trump. “So we’re gonna make a mall. THE BEST MALL EVER! Gucci, Armani and an Ivanka Flagship store. People will love it!

“Ever try to park in Washington? Totally nuts,” Trump explained. “But look, we got a HUGE lawn on the capitol property. Holds 500 cars easy. At $200 bucks a day, that’s real money.

“And we will definitely be donating a portion of all proceeds to a charity.”

Photo illustration and reporting by Ray Dougela

21 Jan

Trump’s Rottweiler Pees on Kellyanne Conway

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

CORRECTION: The President’s Rottweiler was misidentified in the original version of this article. The dog’s name is ‘Chuckle’ not’ ‘Chuckles.’ eTruePolitics regrets the error.

Washington (eTruePolitics) – In an embarrassing White House lawn accident yesterday following the inauguration, President Donald Trump’s pet Rottweiler reportedly peed on spokesperson Kellyanne Conway.

“Chuckles thought she was a garden troll,” said one observer who requested anonymity because he feared for his life.

“You really can’t blame the dog.”

20 Jan

Donald Trump Official Replica Inauguration Day License Plate Now on Sale

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

Washington, D.T. (eTruePolitics) – Wasting no time, the Trump administration, in an old school move, today sent out ‘license plate’ postcards pitching sales of $666.00 “Donald Trump Official Replica Inauguration Day License Plates.”

The actual DT 666 license plates, as eTruePolitics’ has reported, are mandatory for all 170,000-odd vehicles currently registered in what is now officially known as Washington, D.T.

The district will reportedly be renamed District of Trump by executive order on Mr. Trump’s first work day.

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

20 Jan

In Trump’s First Executive Order, District of Columbia Will Be Renamed District of Trump

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

Washington (eTruePolitics) – In a move one advisor called “brazen even for the Boss,” Donald Trump, on his first working day as President – Monday, maybe Tuesday – will issue an executive order renaming the District of Columbia the District of Trump.

“Welcome to Washington D.T.,” tweeted Trump. “I own this District now, and we will make it the BEST DISTRICT EVER!”

In a brief exchange with reporters the President-elect candidly explained his reasoning behind his first executive order.

“I’ll make a fortune just from people who have to get new plates. I love America! And I love WASHINGTON, D.T.!!

“We have to restore law and order for the people and new license plate with my name on it is a great place to start.”

Trump added that he was sure “all my new neighbors in the district, even the ones with old, crappy cars, agree with me.” Trump declined to discuss the price of the new license plate, rumored to be $666 per vehicle.

“I don’t know the price but this very important,” Trump added. “Everybody needs to have the new plates on their cars by February first or there’s gonna be huge fines.”

Photo illustrations and reporting by Ray Dougela

19 Jan

America’s Meanest Family Comes To Washington

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

trump-family-nasty

“I have to turn my head until my darkness goes.”

(“Paint It Black” by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards)

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

18 Jan

“Runty Fingers” Prank Secret Service Code Name Enrages Trump

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

New York (eTruePolitics) – Another day, another tantrum.

Current President-elect Donald Trump exploded in rage today when handed a copy of a Secret Service memo suggesting that ‘Runty Fingers” become his official POTUS code name.

“Gosh, was he ever pissed,” said an aide who requested anonymity because he feared for his life.

But less than an hour later Trump’s ever-present spokesperson KA Conway had an “aha” moment when she noticed that ‘Runty Fingers was two words.

POTUS code names are always one word (for example, ‘Renegade’ for Barack Obama).

Meaning the supposed Secret Service document was a fake.

Meaning Donald Trump had been duped.

When Conway hesitantly began to explain that the document was a prank, an epic Trumpian explosion was expected to follow. “Mr. Trump does not like to be made to look like a fool,” said one observer.

Instead, shockingly, the President-elect began to sob.

“Pretty uncomfortable,” added the observer, who said the conference room “cleared out” in less than a minute.

“But let’s be fair: ‘Runty Fingers’ is extremely hurtful language. Anyone would be wounded if such words were directed at them. And, Donald is a sensitive soul. No, really.”

Original concept and reporting by John Palmer

16 Jan

MELANIA’S (PLAGIARIZED) INAUGURATION SPEECH CANCELLED

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 2 comments |

ask-not-melania-caption

Washington (eTruePolitics) – First Melania Trump was caught plagiarizing a Michelle Obama speech. Then earlier this morning – just days before her husband’s inauguration – Mrs. Trump’s policy director Reagan Hudlund stands accused of plagiarizing John F. Kennedy’s iconic 1961 inaugural address which was written by legendary speechwriter Ted Sorenson.

Melania’s speech contained strikingly similar words to Sorenson’s text:

“Ask not what Donald can do for you, ask what you can do for Donald.”

The story quickly went viral. And attracted the current president’s attention.

“Anyone who claims this is plagiarism is a sicko,” Trump tweeted. “The next time I see Melania we’re going to practice her great speech.”

Meanwhile, Washington filled with rumors that, in fact, Trump will cancel his wife’s speech.

“Melania’s furious,” a source – who requested anonymity because she feared for her life – told eTruePolitics. “If Mr. Trump cancels her speech, chances are Melania’s gonna get a bad flu bug on January 20th.”

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

New York, Moscow (eTruePolitics) – In an unexpected move, current President Donald Trump made a “final” addition to his growing Cabinet by nominating Russian President Vladimir Putin as Secretary of the Exterior.

Mr. Trump responded to the criticism in a flurry of concurrent middle-of-the-night tweets:

“There’s a Cabinet Secretary of the Interior, why not one for the Exterior? Well, there WILL BE ONE in my administration, my friend Vladimir!”

“Vladi is a great leader with AMAZING PECS. BEST exterior ever!”

The odd announcement mirrors Trump’s very first previous cabinet appointment of Kim Kardashian for Secretary of the Posterior, which was quickly withdrawn.

New York (eTruePolitics) – Current United States President Donald Trump is set to name longtime confidante John Barron as Supreme Court nominee, eTruePolitics has learned.

“I trust John Barron more than anyone in the world,” Mr. Trump reportedly told top advisor Roger Stone.

Barron, also known as John Miller, has no legal experience but is a longtime Trump ‘whisperer’ and reliable doppelganger. Barron/Miller could not be reached for commented.

CNN is reporting that first daughter Ivanka Trump has sent a top secret memo to her brothers saying she is “worried about Daddy.”

Later, in order to avoid reporters, a sobbing, distraught Ivanka was abruptly hustled by bodyguards into “Falafel King,” a popular Trump Tower restaurant to avoid reporters.

“I didn’t know Ivanka even had tear ducts,” said a Trump staffer who requested anonymity because he feared for his life.

White House press secretary Sean Spicer denied the incident at the Middle Eastern restaurant. “Ivanka hates falafel,” Spicer explained.

Washington, D.T. (eTruePolitics) – Now showing at the White House executive theater.

(official brochure)

Washington, D.T., (eTruePolitics) – Turning national landmarks into hotels has become a ‘thing’ for the Trump Organization. A profitable thing.

Most recently, Washington’s Old Post Office became Trump International Hotel. Now it’s the iconic Capitol Building’s turn, which will become ‘Trump International Hotel Bigly Dome Annex.’

The President pointed out that the new ‘Bigly Dome Annex’ would be a financial win for all parties.

“Everybody keeps saying, ‘The Mall, The Mall,’ but I don’t see any mall out there,” added Mr. Trump. “So we’re gonna make a mall. THE BEST MALL EVER! Gucci, Armani and an Ivanka Flagship store. People will love it!

“Ever try to park in Washington? Totally nuts,” Trump explained. “But look, we got a HUGE lawn on the capitol property. Holds 500 cars easy. At $200 bucks a day, that’s real money.

“And we will definitely be donating a portion of all proceeds to a charity.”

CORRECTION: The President’s Rottweiler was misidentified in the original version of this article. The dog’s name is ‘Chuckle’ not’ ‘Chuckles.’ eTruePolitics regrets the error.

Washington (eTruePolitics) – In an embarrassing White House lawn accident yesterday following the inauguration, President Donald Trump’s pet Rottweiler reportedly peed on spokesperson Kellyanne Conway.

“Chuckles thought she was a garden troll,” said one observer who requested anonymity because he feared for his life.

“You really can’t blame the dog.”

Washington, D.T. (eTruePolitics) – Wasting no time, the Trump administration, in an old school move, today sent out ‘license plate’ postcards pitching sales of $666.00 “Donald Trump Official Replica Inauguration Day License Plates.”

The actual DT 666 license plates, as eTruePolitics’ has reported, are mandatory for all 170,000-odd vehicles currently registered in what is now officially known as Washington, D.T.

The district will reportedly be renamed District of Trump by executive order on Mr. Trump’s first work day.

Washington (eTruePolitics) – In a move one advisor called “brazen even for the Boss,” Donald Trump, on his first working day as President – Monday, maybe Tuesday – will issue an executive order renaming the District of Columbia the District of Trump.

“Welcome to Washington D.T.,” tweeted Trump. “I own this District now, and we will make it the BEST DISTRICT EVER!”

In a brief exchange with reporters the President-elect candidly explained his reasoning behind his first executive order.

“I’ll make a fortune just from people who have to get new plates. I love America! And I love WASHINGTON, D.T.!!

“We have to restore law and order for the people and new license plate with my name on it is a great place to start.”

Trump added that he was sure “all my new neighbors in the district, even the ones with old, crappy cars, agree with me.” Trump declined to discuss the price of the new license plate, rumored to be $666 per vehicle.

“I don’t know the price but this very important,” Trump added. “Everybody needs to have the new plates on their cars by February first or there’s gonna be huge fines.”

“I have to turn my head until my darkness goes.”

(“Paint It Black” by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards)

New York (eTruePolitics) – Another day, another tantrum.

Current President-elect Donald Trump exploded in rage today when handed a copy of a Secret Service memo suggesting that ‘Runty Fingers” become his official POTUS code name.

“Gosh, was he ever pissed,” said an aide who requested anonymity because he feared for his life.

But less than an hour later Trump’s ever-present spokesperson KA Conway had an “aha” moment when she noticed that ‘Runty Fingers was two words.

POTUS code names are always one word (for example, ‘Renegade’ for Barack Obama).

Meaning the supposed Secret Service document was a fake.

Meaning Donald Trump had been duped.

When Conway hesitantly began to explain that the document was a prank, an epic Trumpian explosion was expected to follow. “Mr. Trump does not like to be made to look like a fool,” said one observer.

Instead, shockingly, the President-elect began to sob.

“Pretty uncomfortable,” added the observer, who said the conference room “cleared out” in less than a minute.

“But let’s be fair: ‘Runty Fingers’ is extremely hurtful language. Anyone would be wounded if such words were directed at them. And, Donald is a sensitive soul. No, really.”

Melania’s speech contained strikingly similar words to Sorenson’s text:

“Ask not what Donald can do for you, ask what you can do for Donald.”

The story quickly went viral. And attracted the current president’s attention.

“Anyone who claims this is plagiarism is a sicko,” Trump tweeted. “The next time I see Melania we’re going to practice her great speech.”

Meanwhile, Washington filled with rumors that, in fact, Trump will cancel his wife’s speech.

“Melania’s furious,” a source – who requested anonymity because she feared for her life – told eTruePolitics. “If Mr. Trump cancels her speech, chances are Melania’s gonna get a bad flu bug on January 20th.”

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