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STORY UPDATE: Twins win, cancel contract with Cuban pitcher Fidel Castro. “He wouldn’t do windsprints,” said a source close to the now 1-9 Twins.
Original story:
Minneapolis (eTrueSports) – Capitalizing on the Obama administration’s softening Cuban policy, the winless (0-9) Minnesota Twins announced the signing of veteran right-handed pitcher Fidel Castro.
“He’s wily and we’re desperate,” said Twins manager Paul Molitor who explained the team planned on bringing the 89-year-old Castro up from the Fort Myers Miracle in the Florida State League when the temperature in St. Paul warmed in late July.
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New York (eTrueSports) -In a surprising turn at a press conference on the eve of his 14th season as a broadcaster, Paul O’Neill calls for hummus ban at Yankee Stadium. “Terrorists eat it,” explained the YES Network announcer and Trump supporter.
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New York (eTrueSports) – TNT’s analyst Chris Webber will receive the coveted 2016 Most Muted Award from the US Basketball Fans Association. “It was pointless to wait until the end of the season,” said a USBFA spokesman.
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New York (eTrueSports) – In an about-to-be-released press statement, Donald J. Trump will announce a ban on Phil Mickelson at all Trump-owned courses, including those “in Scotland and other foreign countries,” sources told eTrueSports.
“Folks, there’s a reason why everybody calls him ‘Lefty’,” Trump reportedly said. “Believe me, Commies don’t make the cut in Trump world.”
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New York (eTrueSports) – Donald Trump joined Andrew Cuomo today in calling for MMA cage fighting to replace baseball as the country’s National Pastime.
“Violence and vulgarity are the best economic generators ever,” said Trump who called baseball “insufficiently savage” and praised the NY Governor for his “morality- free” leadership in pushing for state legalization of America’s favorite blood sport.
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New York (eTrueSports) – Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz calls on PGA to investigate Masters’ leader and fellow Texan Jordan Spieth for “excess empathy toward his fellow man.”
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CBS broadcaster Jim Nantz’s autobiography, “I Never Met A High-Net-Worth Individual I Didn’t Like,” foreword by Tiger Woods, is being shopped to New York publishers, sources told eTrueSports.
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The U.S. Putt-Putt Golf Association has withdrawn an invitation to Ernie Els to speak at their national convention in Austin, TX. “We can’t afford to be embarrassed,” said a Putt-Putt spokesman.
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