New York (eTruePolitics) – Television Reviews-in-Brief. (Though not yet on CNN’s schedule, eTruePolitics obtained a pilot presentation of “Ratahooey” from a CNN source who requested anonymity because “Corey really scares me.” )
Our review: CNN’s new reality show set the high-pressure world of a ratings-challenged cable TV cooking show, is indigestible. Boiling hosts Corey Lewandowski and Jeff Zucker? Wrong, but tempting.
New York (eTruePolitics) – Former professional cyclist Lance Armstrong announced today that he was supporting current Republican candidate Donald Trump for president.
Armstrong spoke to the press after a private conversation in Trump Tower.
“Those of us with a genetic predisposition to lying know how insidious our disease is,” explained Armstrong, “and we understand the courage it takes to admit we have a problem. Mr. Trump shared with me that he knew he had a prevarication problem and said he was working on it but it was hard because people are so stupid and he gets tempted a lot. Which I totally get.
“Also, Mr. Trump said that even though he wasn’t pivoting one bit, he promised me that he would reduce his daily lying by so much I wouldn’t believe it and not attack any Gold Star parents unless he is provoked,'” said Armstrong.
New York (eTruePolitics) – Attempting to capitalize on his impending retirement, the New York Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez and General Mills announced they would release Cheaties,” a new breakfast cereal, on Friday, August 12th, the day he will play his last game.
“I chose the name Cheaties to dispel the notion that I don’t have a sense of humor,” A-Rod explained. “I know everybody’s laughing at me so I decided to laugh right along with them and make some bucks.
“And, I want to repeat, I am very funny,” said the former hitter.
New York (eTruePolitics) – Donald Trump will call for a total and complete ban on all Zika virus-carrying Aedes mosquitoes entering the United States until “We can get a handle on the problem,” a source close to the candidate told eTruePolitics.
“The Aedes mosquitoes have no sense of reason or respect for human life,” said Trump, denouncing their daytime-active behavior as “brazen and immoral.”
Trump demanded that Congressional Democrats, who blocked the “Zika” bill when House Republicans added language allowing the Confederate flag to fly at veterans cemeteries, “stop with the political correctness all ready.”
“I have a Confederate flag in my basement,” said Trump, “and it looks great.”
Demonstrating an increasingly nuanced political approach to policy issues, Trump added that his proposed ban would not apply to the “vast majority of peace-loving mosquitoes who don’t hate America,” adding that he would be open to a meeting.
Moscow (eTruePolitics) – In a strongly worded statement, Russian president Vladimir Putin demanded today the Olympic Games’ iconic ring symbol be immediately replaced. Surprising many, Putin claimed the revered symbol looks like five interlocking bagels, a round baked bread product associated with Jewish delis and bakeries.
“Vladi thinks the bagel rings are a big American/Israeli inside joke, a deliberate FU to Russia,” said a longtime Putin confidante who requested anonymity before speaking to eTruePolitics because he feared for his life.
Putin pointed out that more bagels are consumed in New York and Tel Aviv than anywhere in the world and publicly blamed the United States and Israel for pressuring the Olympic ring designers to subtly change the rings to more closely resemble bagels.
A Russian government spokesman denied Putin had any “problems” with Jewish baked goods.
“The President simply doesn’t enjoy bagels and doesn’t think they should be used to represent the International Olympic movement at the 2016 Olympic games in Rio.
“Personally, Mr. Putin prefers bialies,” the spokesman added. “Less doughy.”
Atlanta (eTruePolitics) – TBS will produce a remake of “I Love You, Man” based on the relationship between CNN Worldwide President Jeff Zucker and former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, whose hiring as an analyst by Zucker has become a social media phenomenon, eTruePolitics has learned. CNN is owned by TBS, a division of Time Warner.
“During the negotiating process we saw two of the funniest men on the planet absolutely reducing one another to tears on a daily basis,” a TBS executive told eTruePolitics. “It was like watching the comedic chemistry of Laurel and Hardy, except with two Laurels and no Hardy.” (Both Zucker and Lewandowski are slightly built and vertically challenged.)
“We realized CNN was actually living a great, modern screwball buddy bro-mance all ready, why not make a movie about it?”
The script for “I Love You, Man” is said to tell the story of the spiritual awakening of a soulless network news executive through his employment of, and eventual friendship with, an uncomplicated man from New Hampshire.
There are “no plans whatsoever” for a cameo by CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer, a TBS spokesman told reporters.
Cleveland (eTruePolitics) – Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s pants briefly burst into flames shortly after he finished his acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, eTruePolitics has learned.
“It was incredible!,” one convention attendee exclaimed. “He had just finished shouting something about Hillary Clinton lying when his pants burst into flames.”
A quick thinking delegate – ironically a Ted Cruz supporter from Texas – grabbed a fire extinguisher and quickly doused the trouser inferno.
It was unclear how many in Quicken Loan Center realized the flames were an accident.
“I thought it was another cool PR stunt,” said one Trump observer. “He’s such a fantastic showman.”
“I know I did the right thing,” said the heroic Cruz delegate who asked that his name not be used. “I hope I don’t regret it in the morning.”
Channel will become all news; Hulk Hogan to anchor political coverage
New York, San Jose (eTruePolitics) – Responding to a Gawker Media report, current Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump confirmed in a tweet that he and Silicon Valley billionaire Peter Thiel were in “serious discussions” to purchase basic cable and satellite television channel TNT and turn it into a 24/7 news channel. The founder of PayPal, the serially litigious Thiel, a pledged delegate to the former reality TV star, will speak on the last night of the Republican convention in Cleveland.
“Grabbing TNT just makes sense to Petey and me,” Trump wrote. “T & T. Get it? Excited to have Hulk Hogan anchor our political coverage. Great guy.”
Sources close to Thiel say the mogul is not expected to use TNT as a platform to change the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution which gave women the right to vote.
After announcing that controversial press tycoons Sheldon Adelson and Sam Zell would be joining an expanded TNT board, a TNT spokesman said: “It is nonsense for anyone to accuse Mr. Trump and Mr. Thiel of trying to control the news by buying TNT.”
TNT employees are said to be shocked.
“Oh my dear God in heaven,” a longtime TNT producer, who requested anonymity because she feared for her life, told eTruePolitics.
Cleveland (eTruePolitics) – Demonstrating once again his shrewd business instincts, best-selling author and current Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump today announced the publication of “My Little Pony: Plagiarism Magic,” an ‘instant book’ aimed at girls 4-12.
“I stayed up all night alone writing,” said Mr. Trump, “and I have to tell you, I’ve very proud of myself. To tell you the truth, ‘Plagiarism Magic’ may be my greatest book ever.”