Washington (eTrueSports) – “Meet The Ringers” – the new Ted Cruz ad running statewide in Indiana – called “Worst Political Ad Ever” by U.S. Advertising Council.
Boston (eTrueSports) – After learning of a federal appeals court reinstatement of Tom Brady’s original four-game suspension for his involvement in the ‘Deflategate’ scandal, supermodel Gisele Bundchen has dumped the Patriot star as her husband.
“I’ve been expecting this day for a long time,” said Bundchen in a statement to the press. “The moment Tommy destroyed his cell phone I knew he was just too dumb to love.”
Raleigh, NC (eTrueSports) – North Carolina governor Pat McCrory today named recently fired ESPN analyst Curt Schilling the state’s new Director of Media Relations.
“As long as you’re not a tranny, a homo or Bruce Springsteen and you’re not trying to sleep with my wife, we’ll get along fine,” Schilling told a group of reporters.
New York (eTrueSports) – A crowd outside ESPN’s Manhattan offices protesting the firing of Curt Schilling was dispersed without incident by the NYPD Thursday afternoon, eTrueSports has learned.
“Neither of them had their hearts in it,” a patrolman told reporters.
“Soulless” New Yankee Stadium to be Razed, ‘Old’ Stadium Rebuilt
New York (eTrueSports) – In a surprising announcement, the Steinbrenner family, owners of the New York Yankees, responding to mounting public criticism, announced they would immediately begin rebuilding an exact duplicate of the ‘old Yankee’ stadium on its original grounds. When the new old stadium is completed the current “garish monstrosity” will be torn down, replaced with a state-of-the art athletics facility.
“They screwed up tearing down a national treasure and they know it,” said a source close to Hal Steinbrenner, the team’s principal owner. “The new Yankee Stadium is a soulless disaster and anyone who’s been there knows it.
“Takes a lot of guts on Hal’s part to admit the current joint is colossally ugly, a perfect example of grandiosity gone wild, a symbol of all that is wrong with professional sports.”
Buffalo (eTrueSports) – Sources close to Donald Trump say the mogul is furious at Bills’ football coach Rex Ryan for comments he made in introducing a visibly plump Trump at a Buffalo rally Monday night.
Ryan jokingly said that Trump’s weight gain was an attempt by the mogul to “eat his way” onto the cast of ‘Lap Band of Brothers,’ a film in development at Miramax which currently co-stars Ryan and Chris Christie.
“Rex oughta stick to playing footsie with his wife, not the facts,” Trump tweeted moments later.
New York (eTrueSports) – The American Narcolepsy Association has offered Joe Girardi the newly created position of National Poster Person.
“I need to sleep on it,” Yankee manager reportedly said shortly before his naptime.
New York (eTrueSports) – After enduring weeks of unwanted television coverage showing scores of empty luxury box seats at Yankee games – caused, the team claims, by wealthy fans abandoning their seats to watch big-screen TV’s in high-end restaurants – the Yankees announced ‘The Yankee Seat-Fillers Club’ to tackle the increasingly embarrassing ‘naked seat’ situation.
Similar to a long standing Oscars ceremony program, the Yankees will let fans apply as seat-fillers allowing them a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to temporarily sit in the actual seats of rich people.
“We’re giving YSFC preference to indigents,” said Yankees COO Leon Trost, “as long as they don’t smell.”
Yankee seat-fillers will each receive a free soda voucher and a facsimile ticket stub for the luxury seat they were fortunate enough to occupy, albeit briefly.
Mexico City (eTrueSports) – The Diablo Rojos of the Mexican Baseball League have made Donald Trump a “low-four-figure” offer to become the team’s official mascot, eTrueSports has learned.
The move making ‘El Trumpo Grande’ the first-ever South of the Border Gringo mascot was called “nauseating” by Mexican Univision reporter Jorge Ramos.
The Trump Network
All Trump, All The Time