Atlanta (eTruePolitics) – TBS will produce a remake of “I Love You, Man” based on the relationship between CNN Worldwide President Jeff Zucker and former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, whose hiring as an analyst by Zucker has become a social media phenomenon, eTruePolitics has learned. CNN is owned by TBS, a division of Time Warner.
“During the negotiating process we saw two of the funniest men on the planet absolutely reducing one another to tears on a daily basis,” a TBS executive told eTruePolitics. “It was like watching the comedic chemistry of Laurel and Hardy, except with two Laurels and no Hardy.” (Both Zucker and Lewandowski are slightly built and vertically challenged.)
“We realized CNN was actually living a great, modern screwball buddy bro-mance all ready, why not make a movie about it?”
The script for “I Love You, Man” is said to tell the story of the spiritual awakening of a soulless network news executive through his employment of, and eventual friendship with, an uncomplicated man from New Hampshire.
There are “no plans whatsoever” for a cameo by CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer, a TBS spokesman told reporters.
Cleveland (eTruePolitics) – Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s pants briefly burst into flames shortly after he finished his acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, eTruePolitics has learned.
“It was incredible!,” one convention attendee exclaimed. “He had just finished shouting something about Hillary Clinton lying when his pants burst into flames.”
A quick thinking delegate – ironically a Ted Cruz supporter from Texas – grabbed a fire extinguisher and quickly doused the trouser inferno.
It was unclear how many in Quicken Loan Center realized the flames were an accident.
“I thought it was another cool PR stunt,” said one Trump observer. “He’s such a fantastic showman.”
“I know I did the right thing,” said the heroic Cruz delegate who asked that his name not be used. “I hope I don’t regret it in the morning.”
Channel will become all news; Hulk Hogan to anchor political coverage
New York, San Jose (eTruePolitics) – Responding to a Gawker Media report, current Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump confirmed in a tweet that he and Silicon Valley billionaire Peter Thiel were in “serious discussions” to purchase basic cable and satellite television channel TNT and turn it into a 24/7 news channel. The founder of PayPal, the serially litigious Thiel, a pledged delegate to the former reality TV star, will speak on the last night of the Republican convention in Cleveland.
“Grabbing TNT just makes sense to Petey and me,” Trump wrote. “T & T. Get it? Excited to have Hulk Hogan anchor our political coverage. Great guy.”
Sources close to Thiel say the mogul is not expected to use TNT as a platform to change the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution which gave women the right to vote.
After announcing that controversial press tycoons Sheldon Adelson and Sam Zell would be joining an expanded TNT board, a TNT spokesman said: “It is nonsense for anyone to accuse Mr. Trump and Mr. Thiel of trying to control the news by buying TNT.”
TNT employees are said to be shocked.
“Oh my dear God in heaven,” a longtime TNT producer, who requested anonymity because she feared for her life, told eTruePolitics.
Cleveland (eTruePolitics) – Demonstrating once again his shrewd business instincts, best-selling author and current Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump today announced the publication of “My Little Pony: Plagiarism Magic,” an ‘instant book’ aimed at girls 4-12.
“I stayed up all night alone writing,” said Mr. Trump, “and I have to tell you, I’ve very proud of myself. To tell you the truth, ‘Plagiarism Magic’ may be my greatest book ever.”
Cleveland (eTruePolitics) – Donald Trump plans to name Dana White, head of the the mixed martial arts organization Ultimate Fighting Championship, U.S. Secretary of Education should he be elected U.S. President, eTruePolitics has learned.
Few details of White’s plans for the Education Department have been revealed, though the UFC honcho is on record as saying he favors mandatory mixed martial arts bouts in American classrooms beginning in the first grade.
“We think kids will love watching other kids kick one another in the face … plus they’ll learn about tattoos,” White previously told Fox News’ Greta Van Susteran.
Republican insiders worried the plan for the introduction of MMA’s “barbaric savagery” into American classrooms “might be unhelpful for down ballot candidates in November.”
Sources say White”vigorously” lobbied for the MMA bouts to begin in kindergarten but was dissuaded by Trump campaign adviser Corey Lewandowski who feared criticism from “weenies in the liberal American press.”
Indianapolis (eTruePolitics) – Indiana Trumps? Sources close to Gov. Mike Pence say the Republican vice-presidential candidate will call for Indiana University President Michael McRobbie to change the school’s athletic teams’ name from ‘Hoosiers’ to ‘Trumps.’
“Rebranding is inevitable,” said Trump supporter and former Hoosier basketball coach Bobby Knight in supporting the change. “Relax and enjoy it.”
Washington (eTruePolitics) – The “Republican Low Bar Gymnastics Competition” will be held all day, every day, during the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, eTruePolitics has learned. The much anticipated July 18-21 competition, open to all delegates and expected to feature elaborate twisting and flipping, consists of the following events, named in honor of Republican party leaders:
New York (eTruePolitics) – Once again doubling down on a controversial statement – this time his call for 24/7 surveillance of American Muslims – current Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump urged police officials and anti-immigration activists nationwide to “Follow the falafel.”
“Muslim’s can’t resist the stuff,” Mr. Trump explained in a tweet.
New York (eTruePolitics) – With their National Convention in a deep financial hole, Republicans finally received some good news today when WME-IMG, the Hollywood talent agency and new owner of the mixed martial arts organization Ultimate Fighting Championship, announced the UFC would be a major sponsor of their upcoming convention.
A Democratic spokesperson quickly denounced the UFC as “a despicable and brutal disgrace that has no place in the 21st century.”
“We are thrilled to have the UFC as a partner,” said the Trump campaign in a statement which also called for MMA fighting to be named America’s new National Pastime.
“We believe delegates – especially angry, drunk delegates – will enjoy seeing people pounding other people into senseless pulps,” said a Trump spokeswoman. “It will be a good break from the boring speeches.”
UFC president Dana White, a long-time Trump supporter, said the nightly Convention format would feature a series of “MMA mini-fights” interspersed with speeches. White said that all floor delegates would receive, at no charge, Trump For America bibs to protect against flying blood, teeth and tissue.
A source close to Trump’s campaign director, Paul Manafort, said the long-time ‘go-to’ lobbyist for foreign dictators was a “bit taken aback” by criticism from The Society For Decency which called Republicans “morally bankrupt for profiting from the pornography of violence.”
“Why would we be ashamed of cashing in by appealing to the worst violent instincts of our fellow human beings?” the perplexed Manafort asked.