Indianapolis (eTruePolitics) – A reportedly distraught Ted Cruz, blaming himself for his now infamous Indiana basketball “ring” flub, is said to be holed up in a hotel room binge watching Johnny Cash sing “Ring of Fire” on his iPad, worried aides told eTrueSports.
“It’s beyond sad. Teddy’s convinced he blew the election and he’s probably right,” said a source sympathetic to Cruz. Up to a point.
“He won’t stop singing,” the source groaned. “‘It burns, burns, burns, The ring of fire, The ring of fire’ over and over and over? Makes you want to hurl.”
New York (eTrueSports) – After Donald Trump announced his intention to name former basketball coach Bobby Knight his future Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, aides are said to be concerned the presidential contender actually believes Knight is a U.S. Army General, a source told eTrueSports.
“Who the hell is gonna tell Mr. Trump that news?” asked an aide who requested anonymity because he feared for his life.
Indianapolis (eTrueSports) – In the wake of his embarrassing goof in which he referred to a basketball hoop as a “ring” in basketball-crazy Indiana, Sen. Ted Cruz is quickly seeking to show Indiana voters he knows his basketball, telling voters that “I’ve been a big hoopster ever since the game was invented by Abner Doubleday.
“When Larry Bird and The Big ‘O’ led the Hoosiers to the 1954 World Series championship I’m not ashamed to say I wept,” Cruz added.
Boston (eTrueSports) – After learning of a federal appeals court reinstatement of Tom Brady’s original four-game suspension for his involvement in the ‘Deflategate’ scandal, supermodel Gisele Bundchen has dumped the Patriot star as her husband.
“I’ve been expecting this day for a long time,” said Bundchen in a statement to the press. “The moment Tommy destroyed his cell phone I knew he was just too dumb to love.”
“Soulless” New Yankee Stadium to be Razed, ‘Old’ Stadium Rebuilt
New York (eTrueSports) – In a surprising announcement, the Steinbrenner family, owners of the New York Yankees, responding to mounting public criticism, announced they would immediately begin rebuilding an exact duplicate of the ‘old Yankee’ stadium on its original grounds. When the new old stadium is completed the current “garish monstrosity” will be torn down, replaced with a state-of-the art athletics facility.
“They screwed up tearing down a national treasure and they know it,” said a source close to Hal Steinbrenner, the team’s principal owner. “The new Yankee Stadium is a soulless disaster and anyone who’s been there knows it.
“Takes a lot of guts on Hal’s part to admit the current joint is colossally ugly, a perfect example of grandiosity gone wild, a symbol of all that is wrong with professional sports.”
Buffalo (eTrueSports) – Sources close to Donald Trump say the mogul is furious at Bills’ football coach Rex Ryan for comments he made in introducing a visibly plump Trump at a Buffalo rally Monday night.
Ryan jokingly said that Trump’s weight gain was an attempt by the mogul to “eat his way” onto the cast of ‘Lap Band of Brothers,’ a film in development at Miramax which currently co-stars Ryan and Chris Christie.
“Rex oughta stick to playing footsie with his wife, not the facts,” Trump tweeted moments later.