Trump’s Sale of Christmas to Chinese Guarantees Free Health Care for All Americans
New York (eTruePolitics) – In a shocking, once-in-a-Presidency announcement, Donald Trump said today he had reached a $900 billion deal “in principle” to sell Christmas to the Chinese, a deal which the President-elect says will guarantee free health care to all Americans.
“I will sign the agreement on January 20th and starting on January 21st all Americans will get free health care,” said an emotional Trump, who appeared at times to be fighting back tears. “And when I say all Americans, I mean all Americans, not just the indigent.”
Selling Christmas might be a hard sell. Which didn’t stop the current President-elect from trying:
“All the good parts of Christmas we keep,” assured Mr. Trump.
“Evangelicals, born-agains, whatevers, or Presbyterians like me, can still go to their churches and synagogues and eat those crackers and celebrate baby Jesus’s birthday on December 25th like you always do.
“But all the thousands of X-mas branded tchotchkes? Nobody cares about that crap anymore.”
“The Chinese worship brand names,” Trump explained. “Christmas is the ultimate brand name. It’s bigger than Subway! I gave them a number, they folded like puppies. I just negotiated the greatest deal in American history and I have to say I’m very proud of myself.”
Mr. Trump dismissed questions about a reported ‘handshake’ agreement with the Chinese promising no price increases for ten years. “I trust them completely, the Chinese always pay their rent on time.”
Photo illustration by Ray Dougela; reporting by Henry Bloomstein