eTruePolitics – A parody website

22 Jan

PLANNING FOR RETIREMENT, TRUMP BUYS MOSCOW CONDO

Moscow (eTruePolitics) – Current U.S. president Donald Trump has bought a condominium near Moscow’s Red Square, eTruePolitics has learned.

“It’s within walking distance of the Kremlin,” said Sarah Huckleberry Sanders. The condo was reportedly chosen because of its price and proximity to McDonald’s and The Ruble Store, a discount variety emporium.

Surprisingly modest in size, the apartment was advertised as a “cozy one-bedroom that gets good light for a basement apartment.”

Sanders confirmed the purchase price of 2.5MM in rubles ($40K) and said that Trump would be responsible for monthly maintenance payments of 15,000 rubles ($253).

“Like many retirees, Mr. Trump has to watch every penny,” Sanders explained, who denied reports that Russian Federation president Vladimir Putin had lent Trump the money for the purchase.

“There are no business dealings between Mr. Putin and president Trump,” said Sanders, “and there never has been.”

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

19 Jan

MICHAEL COHEN SAW THE FUTURE, AND DIDN’T LIKE IT

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall

Then I’ll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin’
But I’ll know my song well before I start singin’
And it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard
It’s a hard rain’s a-gonna fall

Bob Dylan

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

19 Jan

NYETSKI: THE REPUBLICAN PARTY’S REBRANDING STRATEGY IS NOT WORKING

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

“Have you seen the little piggies

Crawling in the dirt?

And for all the little piggies

Life is getting worse

– George Harrison

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

19 Jan

THEY’RE COMING TO TAKE RUDY AWAY, HA-HAAA

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

And they’re coming to take me away ha-haaa
They’re coming to take me away ho-ho hee-hee ha-haaa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I’ll be happy to see those nice young men
In their clean white coats
And they’re coming to take me away ha-haaa

(“They’re Coming To Take Me Away”, 1966; apologies to singer, songwriter Jerry Samuels/Napoleon XIV)

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

18 Jan

“VLAD & ME” ISSUE OF DESPOT MAGAZINE HAS BECOME THE HOTTEST COLLECTIBLE IN RUSSIA, IN THE U.S.? NOT SO MUCH

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

And later, they danced …

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

18 Jan

“I”M YOUR PUPPET” – TRUMP, PUTIN TO COVER 1966 ICONIC HIT SONG

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

“Pull the string and I’ll wink at you, I’m your puppet

I’ll do funny things if you want me to, I’m your puppet”

Washington, D.C. (eTruePolitics) – Donald Trump, lead singer? Stay tuned.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin have teamed up to cover James and Bobby Purify’s 1966 hit “I’m Your Puppet,” and will release the song as a 45 RPM vinyl record during Putin upcoming Fall visit to the White House, eTruePolitics has learned.

The new recording features Mr. Trump, singing lead vocals as Lil’ Donnie, backed by “Vlad'”s haunting falsetto.

“Even though Vladi was the main lead for The Despots – and who doesn’t love The Despots? – I sing lead on ‘Puppet’ because I have the best voice ever,” Mr. Trump writes in the liner notes which were obtained legally by this publication.

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

18 Jan

DONALD TRUMP, JR. SET TO RELOCATE TO CAMP MUELLER, GUANTANAMO BAY

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

Row A, Tent #2

Note to Kimberly Guilfoyle, the future Mrs. Donald Trump, Jr.: Sunscreen, bottled water.

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

18 Jan

TRUMP: MELANIA FLEW TO PALM BEACH TO STAR IN FIRST MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

“Get your claws off me.” – Melania Trump

Washington (eTruePolitics) – Donald Trump has an explanation for everything.

Why did Melania fly alone to Palm Beach on a military jet? Because principal photography on her first feature film starring role is set to begin on Friday.

“The American people know that missing the first day of shooting would cost millions,” tweeted Trump in defending the use of the Boeing 757 jet. The flight cost U.S. tax payers $35,000.

“This is an American movie made in America by Americans including my Slovenian wife,” explained Trump. “It would be very UNFAIR to ask me to pay for the flight,” said Trump before lavishly praising the first lady’s acting skills.

“She can SCREAM with the best of them, believe me.”

“Mrs. Trump is a gifted actress,” commented voluble White House pr staffer Sarah Sanders. “She’d have to be, if you know what I mean.”

Trump’s pride may be short lived as the low-budget horror film’s poster features a creature resembling the current president.

“Yes, the president has read the script. No, he has no problem with the creature resembling him,” growled an agitated Sanders.

“As everybody knows the president has a wonderful sense of humor,” added Sanders.

“I just wish they’d been a role for me, but unfortunately I’m more of a floater than a swimmer.”

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

17 Jan

BUZZFEED FALLOUT: UNHINGED TRUMP SET TO RESIGN PRESIDENCY TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIS FAMILY, “INCLUDING MELANIA”

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

Washington, D.C. (eTruePolitics) – Following a devastating report in BuzzFeed indicating he had criminally ordered Michael Cohen to lie before Congress, a dispirited Donald Trump, the 45th president of the United States, will shortly resign the presidency, eTruePolitics has learned.

“The President is looking forward to spending more time with family including Melania,” said subdued White House spokeswoman Sarah Huckleberry Sanders. “Who’s going to introduce them?” asked a staffer who requested anonymity because she feared for her life.

“The president is very disappointed in BuzzFeed for exposing him to criminal prosecution,” added a West Wing aide.

Trump was described by the aide as a shell of himself. “He can barely talk,” said the aide, “so something good has come out of this difficult day.”

Photo illustrations by Ray Dougela

17 Jan

MISSING PERSON REPORT ISSUED FOR MITCH MCCONNELL: YOU CAN RUN …

Posted by eTruePolitics | News Stories | 0 comments |

Mitch McConnell thought that

Being a Republican Senator with a fondness for Trump

Would guarantee him safety and a job for life.

Then the Russians came. And it was time to hide.

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

Moscow (eTruePolitics) – Current U.S. president Donald Trump has bought a condominium near Moscow’s Red Square, eTruePolitics has learned.

“It’s within walking distance of the Kremlin,” said Sarah Huckleberry Sanders. The condo was reportedly chosen because of its price and proximity to McDonald’s and The Ruble Store, a discount variety emporium.

Surprisingly modest in size, the apartment was advertised as a “cozy one-bedroom that gets good light for a basement apartment.”

Sanders confirmed the purchase price of 2.5MM in rubles ($40K) and said that Trump would be responsible for monthly maintenance payments of 15,000 rubles ($253).

“Like many retirees, Mr. Trump has to watch every penny,” Sanders explained, who denied reports that Russian Federation president Vladimir Putin had lent Trump the money for the purchase.

“There are no business dealings between Mr. Putin and president Trump,” said Sanders, “and there never has been.”

A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall

Then I’ll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin’ But I’ll know my song well before I start singin’ And it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard It’s a hard rain’s a-gonna fall

Bob Dylan

“Have you seen the little piggies

Crawling in the dirt?

And for all the little piggies

Life is getting worse

– George Harrison

And they’re coming to take me away ha-haaa They’re coming to take me away ho-ho hee-hee ha-haaa To the funny farm Where life is beautiful all the time And I’ll be happy to see those nice young men In their clean white coats And they’re coming to take me away ha-haaa

And later, they danced …

“Pull the string and I’ll wink at you, I’m your puppet

I’ll do funny things if you want me to, I’m your puppet”

Washington, D.C. (eTruePolitics) – Donald Trump, lead singer? Stay tuned.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin have teamed up to cover James and Bobby Purify’s 1966 hit “I’m Your Puppet,” and will release the song as a 45 RPM vinyl record during Putin upcoming Fall visit to the White House, eTruePolitics has learned.

The new recording features Mr. Trump, singing lead vocals as Lil’ Donnie, backed by “Vlad'”s haunting falsetto.

“Even though Vladi was the main lead for The Despots – and who doesn’t love The Despots? – I sing lead on ‘Puppet’ because I have the best voice ever,” Mr. Trump writes in the liner notes which were obtained legally by this publication.

Row A, Tent #2

Note to Kimberly Guilfoyle, the future Mrs. Donald Trump, Jr.: Sunscreen, bottled water.

“Get your claws off me.” – Melania Trump

Washington (eTruePolitics) – Donald Trump has an explanation for everything.

Why did Melania fly alone to Palm Beach on a military jet? Because principal photography on her first feature film starring role is set to begin on Friday.

“The American people know that missing the first day of shooting would cost millions,” tweeted Trump in defending the use of the Boeing 757 jet. The flight cost U.S. tax payers $35,000.

“This is an American movie made in America by Americans including my Slovenian wife,” explained Trump. “It would be very UNFAIR to ask me to pay for the flight,” said Trump before lavishly praising the first lady’s acting skills.

“She can SCREAM with the best of them, believe me.”

“Mrs. Trump is a gifted actress,” commented voluble White House pr staffer Sarah Sanders. “She’d have to be, if you know what I mean.”

Trump’s pride may be short lived as the low-budget horror film’s poster features a creature resembling the current president.

“Yes, the president has read the script. No, he has no problem with the creature resembling him,” growled an agitated Sanders.

“As everybody knows the president has a wonderful sense of humor,” added Sanders.

“I just wish they’d been a role for me, but unfortunately I’m more of a floater than a swimmer.”

Washington, D.C. (eTruePolitics) – Following a devastating report in BuzzFeed indicating he had criminally ordered Michael Cohen to lie before Congress, a dispirited Donald Trump, the 45th president of the United States, will shortly resign the presidency, eTruePolitics has learned.

“The President is looking forward to spending more time with family including Melania,” said subdued White House spokeswoman Sarah Huckleberry Sanders. “Who’s going to introduce them?” asked a staffer who requested anonymity because she feared for her life.

“The president is very disappointed in BuzzFeed for exposing him to criminal prosecution,” added a West Wing aide.

Trump was described by the aide as a shell of himself. “He can barely talk,” said the aide, “so something good has come out of this difficult day.”

Mitch McConnell thought that

Being a Republican Senator with a fondness for Trump

Would guarantee him safety and a job for life.

Then the Russians came. And it was time to hide.

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Then I’ll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin’
But I’ll know my song well before I start singin’
And it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard
It’s a hard rain’s a-gonna fall

And they’re coming to take me away ha-haaa
They’re coming to take me away ho-ho hee-hee ha-haaa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I’ll be happy to see those nice young men
In their clean white coats
And they’re coming to take me away ha-haaa