eTruePolitics – A parody website

23 Apr

VIVE LA FRANCE! PARISIANS MOCK TRUMP WITH ‘WORLD’S BIGGEST ASSHOLE’ ART INSTALLATION IN JARDIN DES TUILERIES

Paris (eTruePolitics) – As current U.S. president Donald Trump welcomes France’s Emmanuel Macron to the United States, Parisians are continuing to show displeasure at their president’s new found Trump friendship by flocking in record numbers to the iconic Jardin de Tuileries to visit “Donald Trump: World’s Biggest Asshole,” a massive statue being hailed as the world’s largest temporary public art installation.

“The ‘Plus Grand Connard du Monde’ isn’t a political statement, it’s just a fact,” said a spokesman for ArtAct, the activist artists group who created the statue – and has previously taunted Trump with a ‘Trump Treason’ installation at Trump Tower in NYC.

For an extra $5 visitors can walk to the DTWBA statue’s top and actually get ‘inside’ the President’s head.

“It’s always empty,” a lonely guard observed.

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

22 Apr

EARTH DAY SHOCKER: T.RUMP FOSSIL DISCOVERED IN NYC. LIVING ANCESTOR POSSIBLE

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New York (eTruePolitics) – Happy Earth Day? New York University paleontologists excavating at the site of a new luxury hotel in Manhattan have unearthed the bones of Tyrannosaurus Rump, or T.rump, one of the rarest dinosaurs from the Trumpozoic era, approximately 666 million years ago.

Stunningly, DNA on-site field testing revealed that a living ancestor of the creature could conceivably exist today, prompting the Trump administration to quick action.

“We are putting the nation on high alert,” warned EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt in an extraordinarily brief press conference outside his lead lined office phone booth.

“At the request of our president, we are intensively searching New York City, Washington D.C. and South Florida for any T.rump sightings,” Pruitt added. “You can never be too careful around dinosaurs.”

The discovery of the T.rump, a bellicose carnivore with a negligible cerebrum mass, short limbs featuring tiny claw-like hands, and a head covered with rare orange feathers, surprised anthropologists who previously believed the T.rump had never migrated north of what is now Mexico.

Primarily a scavenger, the T.rump featured a distinctive ‘forked’ tongue seen only in sexually immature alligators.

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

22 Apr

THE SOUTHERN WHITE HOUSE: NOT EVERYONE WELCOME

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Palm Beach, FL (eTruePolitics) – The current president welcoming guests to the newly named “Southern White House.”

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

21 Apr

DONALD TRUMP’S MAR-A-LAGO WEEKEND: THE JOY OF GOLF

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Palm Beach, FL (eTruePolitics) – “It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf,” wrote Irish essayist and poet Robert Lynd in a charming burst of Twentieth Century romantic whimsy.

Not so hard to remember at Mar-a-Lago in 2018.

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

21 Apr

THWACK-A-TRAITOR: NEW TRUMP ARCADE GAME PROVIDES HOURS OF ENTERTAINMENT

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Venice, CA (eTruePolitics) – “Thwack-A-Traitor” is the latest prank from ArtAct, the political activist group that has previously enraged the current president by temporarily replacing “Trump Tower” signage on the president’s Fifth Ave. residence with a “Treason Tower” art installation. Thwack-A-Traitor game rentals are already in hundreds of bars, restaurants and student centers across California, where the game was introduced this week.

From the manufacturer: “THWACK-A-TRAITOR: A 1-2 player game based on the classic arcade game where traitors pop out and you whack them. Play against the clock or against a friend. Features lights and sounds and loads of fun.”

And the creative folks at ArtAct say they are just getting started with “Thwack-A-Traitor,” announcing two new games in the series: “Thwack-A-Traitor II: The Moron President Edition” and “Thwack-A-Traitor III: The Fox News Pundit Edition,” featuring Sean Hannity and Jeanine Piro.

“We’ve found that many of our players are breaking their mallets on Jeanine Piro’s head,” said a manufacturer’s rep for ArtAct, “which the company will replace free of charge.”

Photo illustrations by Ray Dougela

20 Apr

TRUMP ORDERS “ORANGE HEART” ADDED TO COUNTRY’S MOST CHERISHED MILITARY AWARDS

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Washington, D.C. (eTruePolitics) – Current president Donald Trump is set to add the “Orange Heart” to the country’s most cherished military decoration awards, the White House announced today.

“The new medal is bigger and larger than that Purple Heart one that I own,” Trump said. “I also like it because it has me on it.”

Surprising some observers, the first recipient of the “Orange Heart” award will be Donald J. Trump.

“I deserve it,” explained Trump, “my bone spurs are killing me.”

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

20 Apr

ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE? TRUMP TO TIE JEFF SESSIONS’ FIRING TO SHOCKING POT PUFFING PAST

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Venice, CA (eTruePolitics) – J. Beauregard Sessions: Midnight puffer.

Who knew?

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

20 Apr

LEAKED ‘HOW TO IDENTIFY RUDY GIULIANI’ MEMO ANOTHER EMBARRASSMENT FOR TRUMP?

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Washington, D. C. (eTruePolitics) – Where’s Rudy, the current president’s new lawyer? Donald Trump may need some help there, at least White House staffers think he does.

“The ‘Don’t Congratulate Putin’ memo had too many words,” said a senior presidential aide, referring to an all-in-caps memo warning Trump not to congratulate Putin on winning the recent bogus Russian election. A memo Trump ignored. And was pilloried for.

“We knew if this memo leaked it’d be embarrassing but Rudy is joining the legal team and we think it’s pretty important the president be able to recognize his own lawyer,” the staffer explained.

In a cybersecurity meeting in February 2017 Trump had famously been unable to identify Guiliani who was sitting directly across from him.

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

19 Apr

NEW SKETCH OF THUG WHO THREATENED STORMY DANIELS POINTS TO TRUMP’S HEAD OF SECURITY

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New York (eTruePolitics) – “One grilled Calamari coming up!”

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

19 Apr

DEPUTY PRESS SEC JOHN BARRON CALLS HALEY A “NUT JOB” IN LEAKED WHITE HOUSE TAPE; DASVIDANIYA NIKKI?

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Washington (eTruePolitics) – “I don’t get confused,” said Nikki Haley in defending herself from accusations made by White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow that she did not understand the administration’s new policy on Russian tariffs. It took less than 24 hours for a response to surface, in the form of a “leak,” from a source close to the current president.

As reported by various media outlets, 1st Deputy White House press secretary John Barron (also known as John Miller) was reportedly caught today on tape calling beleaguered U.S. United Nations ambassador Nikki Haley “a nut job, you wouldn’t believe this chick,” according to White House sources. A boyhood friend of the current president, Barron’s “nut job” comment, which echoed reports of Trump using the same language, may indicate that Trump’s patience with the ambitious Haley is at an end.

Press secretary Sarah Huckleberry Sanders denied the leaked Barron/Haley tape “if it exists” implied anything about Trump’s relationship with the increasingly isolated and angry Haley.

“The president wouldn’t recognize this Nikki Haley if they were in the same room,” snarled Sanders, “so the rumors you-all are spreading that she’s going to be fired are ridiculous.”

Sanders said that the president had no reaction to Barron’s description of Haley as a “really boring dresser,” adding that, “as a general principle, Mr. Trump prefers women who wear tight clothes and show off their boobs.”

Photo illustration by Ray Dougela

“The ‘Plus Grand Connard du Monde’ isn’t a political statement, it’s just a fact,” said a spokesman for ArtAct, the activist artists group who created the statue – and has previously taunted Trump with a ‘Trump Treason’ installation at Trump Tower in NYC.

For an extra $5 visitors can walk to the DTWBA statue’s top and actually get ‘inside’ the President’s head.

“It’s always empty,” a lonely guard observed.

New York (eTruePolitics) – Happy Earth Day? New York University paleontologists excavating at the site of a new luxury hotel in Manhattan have unearthed the bones of Tyrannosaurus Rump, or T.rump, one of the rarest dinosaurs from the Trumpozoic era, approximately 666 million years ago.

Stunningly, DNA on-site field testing revealed that a living ancestor of the creature could conceivably exist today, prompting the Trump administration to quick action.

“We are putting the nation on high alert,” warned EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt in an extraordinarily brief press conference outside his lead lined office phone booth.

“At the request of our president, we are intensively searching New York City, Washington D.C. and South Florida for any T.rump sightings,” Pruitt added. “You can never be too careful around dinosaurs.”

The discovery of the T.rump, a bellicose carnivore with a negligible cerebrum mass, short limbs featuring tiny claw-like hands, and a head covered with rare orange feathers, surprised anthropologists who previously believed the T.rump had never migrated north of what is now Mexico.

Primarily a scavenger, the T.rump featured a distinctive ‘forked’ tongue seen only in sexually immature alligators.

Palm Beach, FL (eTruePolitics) – The current president welcoming guests to the newly named “Southern White House.”

Palm Beach, FL (eTruePolitics) – “It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf,” wrote Irish essayist and poet Robert Lynd in a charming burst of Twentieth Century romantic whimsy.

Not so hard to remember at Mar-a-Lago in 2018.

From the manufacturer: “THWACK-A-TRAITOR: A 1-2 player game based on the classic arcade game where traitors pop out and you whack them. Play against the clock or against a friend. Features lights and sounds and loads of fun.”

And the creative folks at ArtAct say they are just getting started with “Thwack-A-Traitor,” announcing two new games in the series: “Thwack-A-Traitor II: The Moron President Edition” and “Thwack-A-Traitor III: The Fox News Pundit Edition,” featuring Sean Hannity and Jeanine Piro.

“We’ve found that many of our players are breaking their mallets on Jeanine Piro’s head,” said a manufacturer’s rep for ArtAct, “which the company will replace free of charge.”

Washington, D.C. (eTruePolitics) – Current president Donald Trump is set to add the “Orange Heart” to the country’s most cherished military decoration awards, the White House announced today.

“The new medal is bigger and larger than that Purple Heart one that I own,” Trump said. “I also like it because it has me on it.”

Surprising some observers, the first recipient of the “Orange Heart” award will be Donald J. Trump.

“I deserve it,” explained Trump, “my bone spurs are killing me.”

Venice, CA (eTruePolitics) – J. Beauregard Sessions: Midnight puffer.

Who knew?

Washington, D. C. (eTruePolitics) – Where’s Rudy, the current president’s new lawyer? Donald Trump may need some help there, at least White House staffers think he does.

“The ‘Don’t Congratulate Putin’ memo had too many words,” said a senior presidential aide, referring to an all-in-caps memo warning Trump not to congratulate Putin on winning the recent bogus Russian election. A memo Trump ignored. And was pilloried for.

“We knew if this memo leaked it’d be embarrassing but Rudy is joining the legal team and we think it’s pretty important the president be able to recognize his own lawyer,” the staffer explained.

In a cybersecurity meeting in February 2017 Trump had famously been unable to identify Guiliani who was sitting directly across from him.

New York (eTruePolitics) – “One grilled Calamari coming up!”

Press secretary Sarah Huckleberry Sanders denied the leaked Barron/Haley tape “if it exists” implied anything about Trump’s relationship with the increasingly isolated and angry Haley.

“The president wouldn’t recognize this Nikki Haley if they were in the same room,” snarled Sanders, “so the rumors you-all are spreading that she’s going to be fired are ridiculous.”

Sanders said that the president had no reaction to Barron’s description of Haley as a “really boring dresser,” adding that, “as a general principle, Mr. Trump prefers women who wear tight clothes and show off their boobs.”

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