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Washington (eTruePolitics) – “A good guy.” – Donald Trump
Memo to retired Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn, current president Trump’s former national security adviser: It is illegal for retired military officers to take payments from foreign governments. It is traitorous to give aid and comfort to the enemy.
Photo illustration by Ray Dougela.
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Washington (eTruePolitics) – When your hometown mocks you, it’s time to hit the road. Tulare, CA, birthplace of beleaguered Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, Devin Nunes, today unveiled a new town plaque, “honoring” their famous native son.
“We’re hoping that there’s no such thing as bad publicity,” said a spokesman from the Tulare Mayor’s Office, “but either way, we need America to know that Devin Nunes is a disgrace to our city and its citizens. He is not an honest man and no one should believe a word he says.”
Photo illustration and reporting by Ray Dougela
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New York (eTruePolitics) – Infamous New York buccaneer and current U.S. president ‘Black Soul’ Donnie Trump narrowly escaped capture yesterday in New York City after a confrontation with authorities on the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge which connects the boroughs of Brooklyn and Staten Island.
“The president wouldn’t pay the $16 bucks,” said an unfazed toll taker at the iconic bridge, “So I told him he wasn’t crossing the bridge. He was very agitated. And then he just took off. Zoom! Then the cops go screaming after ’em. And, then explosions are going off all over the place.
Hope no one gets hurt, but rules are rules.”
A source close to NY’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority which operates the bridge, said police are looking into the possibility that a longtime Trump confederate, the shadowy Russian privateer identified as Vladi ‘Dead Eyes” Putin, may have aided the president’s escape by laying down suppressive cannon fire from an off-shore location.
Photo illustration by Ray Dougela
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Washington (eTruePolitics) – The grand opening of the re-branded Trump Guantanamo, formerly Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp and the sitting president’s latest – and likely last – real estate project, has been pushed back to Halloween, October 31st, according to sources close to the White House.
The change was made after the stunning news that Trump has cut a deal with special prosecutor Robert Mueller to plead guilty to obstruction of justice charges in exchange for a government pledge not to prosecute any of his children, even Donald, Jr.
A “difficult” negotiation with Trump, who agreed to turn himself into Federal marshalls on Tuesday, Oct. 31st at the prison once known as “Gitmo,” only came after a promise from Robert Mueller that the current president would definitely be the “very first guest registered and processed at Trump Guantanamo.”
“Mr. Trump is No. 1 in everything and it was only a matter of time before Mr. Mueller realized that and caved in,” crowed ebullient Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway.
“Whatever,” said Mr. Mueller, in a formal statement from the Special Prosecutor’s office.
Photo illustration by Ray Dougela
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Washington (eTruePolitics) – In a bold diplomatic gesture, current president Donald Trump has invited portly Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un to a private dinner at Trump Grill for “the greatest kimchi stew he’s ever had.”
Trump said that after dinner (“and maybe some porn”) he was certain Kim would renounce nuclear weapons and Hillary Clinton.
“I told you I would be honored to meet Kim, and by golly I’m a man of my word,” Trump said.
“And I’ll probably be criticized for saying this, but the Chairman could lose a few pounds, so I told my chefs to make the kimchi low-cal. Nobody likes fat, unattractive leaders, I can tell you that.”
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New York (eTruePolitics) – “Sing a Song of Sick Pence,” a nursery rhyme for our time.
Photo illustration by Ray Dougela
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“I must tell you that Mr. Trump is a man to whose utterances no attention should be paid. He is to all intents and purposes half-witted. Life in a tower, with its lack of intellectual stimulus, has caused his natural feebleness of mind to reach a stage which borders closely on insanity. His relatives look on him as virtually an imbecile and have, in my opinion, every cause to do so.”
(Adapted, with apologies to P.G. Wodehouse, from "Summer Lightning," 1929)
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Washington (eTruePolitics) – Acting White House press secretary John Miller is reportedly on tape calling beleaguered Secretary of State Rex Tillerson a “real weenie, you wouldn’t believe this guy,” according to White House sources.
It is well known that Miller’s boss hates weakness. A boyhood friend of the current president, Miller is considered a highly reliable telltale to the swirling White House winds.
If the tape is verified, Trump himself might as well be telling Tillerson not to let the state department door whack him on the butt while exiting.
Deputy press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders denied the leaked Miller tape, “if it exists,” implied anything about Trump’s relationship with Tillerson.
“Rex is a fairly close friend, but Mr. Trump has lots of fairly close friends, including John Miller who is doing a great job,” said Huckabee Sanders.
Photo illustration by Ray Dougela