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“Ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee”
Adapted from John Donne (1572-1631) John Donne (1572-1631), Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions, Meditation XVII: Nunc Lento Sonitu Dicunt, Morieris:
Photo illustration by Ray Dougela
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Washington, D.C., Columbus, IN (eTruePolitics) – A “humiliated” and increasingly angry Mike Pence could resign the vice-presidency “really soon,” according to a source with knowledge of the VP’s thinking who requested anonymity because he feared for his life.
The shocking news followed a NY Times piece reporting that President Trump was openly questioning Pence’s loyalty with White House aides, and was considering dropping him from the 2020 ticket. Sources close to Pence say the vp is so furious that he will take a position with McDonald’s in his home town of Columbus, Indiana as soon as next week.
“Mike really hates Trump a lot,” a longtime Pence aide told eTruePolitics. “And quitting and walking off the job right now will embarrass the president like no other president has ever been embarrassed. It’s perfect.”
Pence’s imminent employment has all ready caused problems. Columbus, Indiana has three McDonald’s but only one famous native son.
“I’m a hard worker but I can’t be in three places at the same time,” an irritated Pence reportedly snapped at senior aides, before learning that a plan will be implemented allowing him to spend mornings at the downtown 3rd St location and then rotate between the franchises on N. National Road and Jonathan Moore Pike.
“This is a dream come true for Mikey,” said one senior staffer.
“As long as they’re not about sex, dreams are good,” added Pence.
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Washington (eTruePolitics) – In a surprising turn to a nightmarish day, beleaguered Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway confirmed Friday ongoing media rumors that she is an extraterrestrial. Conway’s morning began with George Conway, her husband, calling the Trump administration a “shitshow in a dumpster fire” on the Yahoo News podcast “Skullduggery.” Then the extraterrestrial story broke and her day got worse, much worse.
A tearful Conway, who is reportedly furious with her husband, begged the press not to violate the “sanctity of her marriage” with personal questions.
“I didn’t even know she had tear ducts,” commented one longtime aide.
Refusing to answer shouted questions about her husband, a sobbing Conway read a short prepared statement: “I am very proud of my alien ancestry, which traces back to my family landing in Area 51 in the early 1700s.”
Cynics quickly questioned Conway’s embrace of her extraterrestrial roots, pointing out that if her family arrived in the 1700s Conway would qualify as an indigenous person with full rights to American citizenship.
“I am a legal alien totally,” shouted Conway before being led away by aides.
In a briefing, current White House press secretary Sarah Huckleberry Sanders denied anyone was being fired, asserted that “all administrations make changes” and said the president hoped that “Ms. Conway would do a better job in her next position.”
photo illustration by Ray Dougela
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“Now we know Facebook will do whatever it takes to make money. They have absolutely no morals.”
– Rishad Tobaccowala, Publicis Groupe (11.15.18)
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London, England; Quito, Ecuador (eTruePolitics) – Following the disclosure that WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has been charged in a sealed criminal complaint by Federal prosecutors with a series of espionage and conspiracy crimes, activists protesting Ecuador’s continuing asylum of Assange this morning blanked Quito, the capital of Ecuador, and London with satiric tourism posters blasting the fugitive currently living in Ecuador’s London embassy.
“He’s bad for Ecuador, bad for England, bad for the world and good for Putin,” said a spokesperson for ArtAct, the U.S.-based visual art activists who have previously tormented current president Donald Trump with a series of creative pranks, including the temporary branding of Trump Trump as ‘Treason Tower’ which reportedly infuriated the president.
Photo illustrations by Ray Dougela
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Washington (eTruePolitics) – President Melania Trump? “It makes a lot of sense,” says one top Republican Senator, who requested anonymity for fear of enraging the current president. “Donald Trump is exhausted and unhappy and obviously falling apart before our eyes. And Melania’s a babe, the base would follow her over a cliff.”
The Senator refused to comment on persistent rumors that the 72-year-old Donald Trump’s persistent incontinence has made him a virtual prisoner in the White House, further isolating the badly aging and increasingly confused president and making it even less likely he can continue in his job.
“He won’t wear diapers, he says they make him look fat,” said one aide, explaining why Trump recently missed outdoor ceremonies in France honoring World War I soldiers, and then skipping a Veteran’s Day event at Arlington National Cemetery honoring the nation’s servicemen.
“The Saudis built him a solid gold port-o-potty, but Trump says even though it’s camouflaged everyone will know what it is so that’s a non-starter. He’s incapable of being president and it’s not a close call.”
The Senator acknowledged there were potential problems for the former Melanija Knavs’s candidacy. “Yes, Melania was not born in the United States, and yes, the Constitution will have to be altered to make her eligible for the presidency. But she’s young, not ugly or fat and as far as we know is not incontinent, all qualities the country desperately needs in this challenging time,” the Senator explained.
“Honestly, anyone can see that Donald is ready to quit any day now. His wife announcing her candidacy will be the greatest Christmas present he’s ever received.
“Only place he wants to run these days is to the can.”
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Unhinged Tantrum Unnerves Staff
Washington (eTruePolitics) – Karpetmunchen, a nickname for the ages.
Following a long day of hearing bad news – and before a horrified small group of aides – current president Donald Trump fell to his knees and chewed on the edge of an Oval Office rug eTruePolitics has learned.
“I saw it,” said one observer. “I wish I hadn’t.”
White House press secretary Sarah Huckleberry Sanders quickly defended the president in a formal statement.
“The president has no restrictions whatsoever on his dietary choices,” said Sanders.
Trump’s rug-chewing tantrums, which began in childhood, earned him the unenviable prep school nickname: ‘Karpetmunchen.’
“Everybody called him ‘Karpet’ for short,” said a former New York Military Academy classmate who requested anonymity because he feared for his life.
“Boy, he hated that name.”
illustration by Ray Dougela
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Washington, D.C. (eTruePolitics) – A beleaguered and dispirited Donald Trump, the 45th president of the United States, will shortly resign the presidency in order to “spend more time with his family, including Melania,” according to sources close to the White House.
“The president is very disappointed in all Americans,” said one emotional staffer.
“‘I don’t need this shit, I fucking quit,’ were his exact words.”
“Who’s going to introduce him to Melania?” joked another staffer who requested anonymity before speaking to eTruePolitics because she feared for her life.
Photo illustrations by Ray Dougela
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Lock him up.
“The United States acknowledges the announcement from the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia that its investigation into the fate of Jamal Khashoggi is progressing and that it has taken action against the suspects it has identified so far.” – Sarah Sanders
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